NO MORE ILLUSIONS PLEASE


Love is many things
or nothing

Love stinks
Love sucks
Unrequited love
is worst of all

I get confused

If I’m sexually attracted
I fall in love
greedily, needily
If I like someone
I love the company
If I am lonely
I love desperately

There are so many ways
to love
so many ways for love
to end

Which is real
which illusion?
Is love real
or just a myth?

We pretend we know
it feels like it’s so
How can it be real
if it ends?

If it ends
Did it
ever
really exist?

Perhaps
perhaps all I
really want
is
a lover sometimes
a friend sometimes
a companion
sometimes

and that’s all?

Perhaps
perhaps
perhaps

Perhaps I
don’t need
love
at all.

Advertisements

Love is a trial; if only I were done with it


THE BRIDE OF THE SEA

by H. P. Lovecraft

Black loom the crags of the uplands behind me,

Dark are the sands of the far-stretching shore.

Dim are the pathways and rocks that remind me

Sadly of years in the lost Nevermore.

Soft laps the ocean on wave-polish’d boulder,

Sweet is the sound and familiar to me;

Here, with her head gently bent to my shoulder,

Walk’d I with Unda, the Bride of the Sea.

Bright was the morn of my youth when I met her,

Sweet as the breeze that blew o’er the brine.

Swift was I captur’d in Love’s strongest fetter,

Glad to be here, and she glad to be mine.

Never a question ask’d I where she wander’d,

Never a question ask’d she of my birth:

Happy as children, we thought not nor ponder’d,

Glad of the bounty of ocean and earth.

Once when the moonlight play’d soft ‘mid the billows,

High on the cliff o’er the waters we stood,

Bound was her hair with a garland of willows,

Pluck’d by the fount in the bird-haunted wood.

Strangely she gaz’d on the surges beneath her,

Charm’d with the sound or entranc’d by the light:

Then did the waves a wild aspect bequeath her,

Stern as the ocean and weird as the night.

Coldly she left me, astonish’d and weeping,

Standing alone ‘mid the legions she bless’d:

Down, ever downward, half gliding, half creeping,

Stole the sweet Unda in oceanward quest.

Calm grew the sea, and tumultuous beating

Turn’d to a ripple as Unda the fair

Trod the wet sands in affectionate greeting,

Beckon’d to me, and no longer was there!

Long did I pace by the banks where she vanish’d,

High climb’d the moon and descended again.

Grey broke the dawn till the sad night was banish’d,

Still ach’d my soul with its infinite pain.

All the wide world have I search’d for my darling;

Scour’d the far desert and sail’d distant seas.

Once on the wave while the tempest was snarling,

Flash’d a fair face that brought quiet and ease.

Ever in restlessness onward I stumble

Seeking and pining scarce heeding my way.

Now have I stray’d where the wide waters rumble,

Back to the scene of the lost yesterday.

Lo! the red moon from the ocean’s low hazes

Rises in ominous grandeur to view;

Strange is its face as my tortur’d eye gazes

O’er the vast reaches of sparkle and blue.

Straight from the moon to the shore where I’m sighing

Grows a bright bridge made of wavelets and beams.

Frail it may be, yet how simple the trying,

Wand’ring from earth to the orb of sweet dreams.

What is yon face in the moonlight appearing;

Have I at last found the maiden that fled?

Out on the beam-bridge my footsteps are nearing

Her whose sweet beckoning hastens my tread.

Current’s surround me, and drowsily swaying,

Far on the moon-path I seek the sweet face.

Eagerly, hasting, half panting, half praying,

orward I reach for the vision of grace.

Murmuring waters about me are closing,

Soft the sweet vision advances to me.

Done are my trials; my heart is reposing

Safe with my Unda, the Bride of the Sea.

sweet-unda-in-oceanward-quest shot and modeled by the fantastic Kayleigh

Divorce is anti-climactic


Sept. 05, 2007

MARRIAGE

Calling me a cheap, stingy bastard wounded it cheep-stingy-bastard.png
telling me I was planning to leave cut deeper
calling me a liar was nearly fatal bloodyrose.jpg
saying we should go our separate ways stopped its heart

heart1.jpg

I was willing to try resuscitation through counseling
your refusal staked it through its heart heartcake.jpg
asking for a quit-claim to the house put it in a coffin
solid-wood-coffins.jpg telling me I had to leave nailed the coffin shut
threatening to call the police if I didn’t move out –
buried the marriage deep in the ground.buried.jpg

Divorce is anti-climactic.

– © tm August 2007

husband-wife.jpg

My Mind Goes Misty


June 22, 2007

LOST IN THE MIST

I heard a voice from within —

voices inside

Your heart is in the corner cryingheart_in_a_corner.jpgcrying-heart.gif

and your mind is lost in the mist.052115 (2)

Poem © Dawn Sartz, used with permission.

Waiting for Tsunami


June 18, 2007

costanoa01.jpg

Waves of sadness wash over me today. Felt pretty good this weekend. Saw the Silver Surfer movie Friday night and enjoyed a complete escape. Home after that to the dragon. Her indifference has thawed and we speak more. Saturday we emptied and cleaned out the pond together. I asked her what would happen if I dumped a bucket of the pond water on her head while she was in there, and she looked at me a moment, then said, “I’d kill you.” We both stayed home, watched a movie: maria-full-of-grace.jpg .  I sent more emails about houses to rent, scheduled a viewing for Sunday.

Sunday morning the dragon left for the flea market with her makeup done and dressed nicely. She looked good. I bought a few things I need to get the outside of the house addition sealed up, and rode all the way across town to look at a house. Got sunburned doing that. The dragon took a message for me about a house. Went to bed early, by myself, as usual.

Monday, today, I felt OK, rode into work, read a couple messages about places to rent. Made an appointment to see one after work. This is a good house in a nice green area, roomy with everything I need and they take pets. Rent is a little high, but most utilities are included in the rent. dsc01081.jpg Should call about seeing another in the same area and kill two with one ride. It’s hot out there. Went to lunch, but could hardly walk. Felt this tsunami of sadness wash over me. Can hardly keep my head up. It takes an effort to make eye contact. Dropped off some books at the PO. Walked out of there into more sadness. Popped into a campus Starbucks for an Americano. Walked back to work drooping. Finding a place that is available, fits all my criteria and is a sort of affordable means this is it – time to go. That makes me happy at times, accompanied by a sense of great relief, of freedom. And then, inexplicably, sad.

ona_l.jpg

WAITING FOR TSUNAMI

Waves of sadness wash over me

unlike the seashore

these waves are random

better waves than nothing

I could do without this

this oppressive tsunami of sad

no one to rescue me now

no one to turn to

just mechanical living

work, eat, read

rent house, pack

unpack organize

wait for the next tsunami. © 2007, 08, 09 , 10  O’Maolchathaigh

THIS UNREQUITED LOVE OF MINE


June 13, 2007

This unrequited love of mine
has no feelings for me
pigeonholed.jpg pigeonholed as friend
workplace acquaintance
things in common
yet separate as by a chasm
by age and experience

Beauty and the beast
embarrassment
inuyasha-demon-and-kagome1.jpg youth and demon
impossible
we can travel the same path
but never touch never kiss
never cuddle never love

turmoil.jpg my thoughts dwell on you
my heart cries for you
my arms reach for you
my lips hunger for you
and my body burns
my mind is in turmoil
I live I die yet alive.

© 2007,08, ’09 O’Maolchathaigh

Should I Put It Back?


June 07, 2007 (part 1)

I found love under a rock
took it out and dusted it off
Wore it on my sleeve
It’s faded and worn now
I think I’ll put it back. – © 2007, 08 O’Maolchathaigh