May 12, 2009
Life is hectic. Work sucks. Union negotiations again too. My step-daughter Maya had to go back for another brain operation; they saw a mass on the MRI. She flew to Ft. Worth to Cook Childrens’ Hospital, as they are experts in her type of tumor, and have advanced techniques for brain surgery. The Dragon didn’t want me there, and Maya didn’t want her more upset than she was, so I had to cool my heels here while she underwent surgery. (I was so angry when the Dragon told me that I was shaking). Turns out it was only radiation necrosis (dead cells) from those radiation treatments she had. Her previous surgeon suspected that, but her chemo doc felt it was unlikely, since it’s has been almost four years. Anyway, she has no other evidence of any return of cancer, and she was only in the ICU/post-op for two days and then released from the hospital directly from there. She’s home and resting, but anxious to be out running again.
Anyway, besides that, my obsessive’s remoteness and my job finally got to me. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m going to take my retirement in October. I have no idea what I’ll do then. I need time to rest and think. I have been so stressed that I don’t sleep more than 4 hours a night, or less, ever, and it affects my work performance, and makes me tense and irritable as all hell. I’m making lots of mistakes all the time. So, I talked to a physician, and he started me on bupropion, the ingredient in Wellbutrin. (It is also used to help smokers quit and often results in weight loss – I wish). Anyway, he recommended I get counseling with it, so I’m doing that at work through the counseling and referral services here. I reached a point where I didn’t care about anything, and really wished humanity would just go away. I felt capable of anything, going postal, suicide, anything.
It’s slowly getting better. Before I started the medication, I joined a hiking club, and went on four ten-miles hikes before I started to lose interest. Then I finally started guitar classes. I was doing well, but had a hard time maintaining interest. As it is, after starting the drug, I kept going with guitar, and I will be joining my classmates in a party/recital on May 29. I will be learning new songs and practicing all summer until classes start up again. There are night school classes, but those are very fast-paced. I tried a short one concurrent with this one, and I didn’t learn much from it. This one is taught by the Southwest Organizing Project, so we get politics with our lessons. We even went on an ‘environmental justice’ bus tour of farms, ditches, pollution, the area around Intel, etc.
Friday, May 29th 5:30-7:30pm
Patio 211 10th St. SW
*Performance for families, friends*
Well, that’s how I’m doing.