September 15, 2008
What have I learned since my last page posting in December of ’07?
I’ve learned that romantic love is fleeting, fickle and fanciful. It is as painful as a glochid, those tiny cactus stickers that take a long time to work out of one’s skin. Once those glochids are out, the relief is obvious. My love for Karen, if reciprocated, could have led to a relationship, and would have made me happy. However, that love was really no more than an obsessive infatuation, as near as I can tell.
I’ve learned that my ex never intended to give me even a dime for all my work and investment in ‘her’ house, even though we refinanced to pay off her ex’s portion of the house, my name was on the mortgage, I made the payments for ten years, I sold my own house and used the proceeds to pay off individual and mutual debts, I worked very hard long hours and spent money repairing, improving and adding to her investment, and, it meant nothing to her. I learned that being angry over it is pointless. It doesn’t matter. If I could have forced a different outcome, it might have pushed my step-daughter away, and no amount of money or pride is worth that.
I learned that, despite my initial feelings of loneliness, sadness, and suicidal depression, I’m really happiest living by myself. In my desperation, I could have latched onto a new relationship, no better than the last. I have learned to live happily day to day, and not worry about whether I have love or companionship. When I’m ready, and if I should meet someone compatible, then I’ll hook up. Otherwise, it doesn’t do me any good to worry or feel anxious that I’m not with someone.
I’ve learned to take better photographs, and how to make some of the many features of a digital camera work for me. I’ve improved my chess game. I’ve learned that I don’t need coffee to be happy or wake up. I’ve learned how to make yerba mate. I learned that it is a shared social drink, so I need to have the right utensils for it, so that I can be a proper host. I may enjoy doing that.
Above all, I’ve learned that it is only important that I love others in order to feel love. So what if no one wants me for myself? So what if the sensual attractiveness of women might forever be denied me from now on? I’ve learned that I can exist without sex. I still would enjoy it, but I’m attracted to women who cannot possibly be attracted to me, so there is no use worrying about it. If it happens, it happens. If not, then not.
I’ve learned that I need to find out what it is that will make me happy, and then be happy. There is no formula, no person, no house, no material good, no right exercise, no massage or chiropractice, no food or drink or pill that is going to help me be happy. And, hey, if I don’t end up happy as such, then that’s the way of life. It is nothing to worry about.