Started taking bupropion 30 days ago. There’s supposed to be some effect by now, but I’m not sure what to expect. I am hopeful that I won’t feel so irritable and impatient, and at odds with all of humanity. My doctor was ready to put me on another drug, but I’d rather give this one a try. The counselor I’ve seen thinks I should give it 6 months. The other main option is fluoxetine (Prozac). I do not want to take Prozac! I know much of my recent oddness stems from not getting enough sleep for longer than I can remember. I used to get 7 hours a night, and then it became 5 1/2 on average. But, for the longest time, I’ve woken up every single morning about 3:30 am, and I mean awake, as in fully alert and ready to get up for work. Sometimes I toss and turn, trying to relax, and even meditate, but can’t nod off. The clock ticks off the time in half-hour increments until it’s time to get up. Occasionally I manage to get another hour of sleep, but it’s not deep refreshing sleep. Last night was the first time I can remember not waking up at 3:30 am. Got about 5 1/2 hours once again. I hope that holds.
Had lunch with my step-daughter Maya. She’s doing well, and preparing herself for surgery next week. She is prepared for the mass in her brain to be a regrowth of tumor, but I think the odds are against it coming back after all that radiation and chemo. It was dead. I’m certain there’s nothing there but scar tissue. I spoke with her about her mom, the Dragon. Maya says she’s doing well, and they talk often. She says her mom is happy, and I’m glad to hear it. Her friend was wrong in believing that perhaps the Dragon and I should talk, and she got in trouble with the Dragon for interfering. I spoke with her also, and she says it’s OK, that she agrees that she shouldn’t have butted in. Too bad; I was actually looking forward to a friendly relationship with the Dragon, at least during Maya’s surgery and recovery. I was briefly optimistic that we might talk again, and see if there was something left of the 14 years we were together. Apparently not. I am strangely at peace with that. I remember a lot of nice things about the relationship, and I was getting nostalgic for the companionship and sex. As it is, she doesn’t want or need anything to do with me, and doesn’t want me around when Maya is undergoing surgery, the one time I would expect to be there. Doesn’t make me angry anymore. She can do and say whatever she wants. It’s finally over for me, and that was before the medication showed any affect. I was actually glad to hear that she is doing well.
Another hernia! What fun! I had one diagnosed and operated on several years ago. It was inguinal (D, E,F). Inguinal hernias are a common type of hernia. The inguinal canal is where the testes descend before birth. The canal contains the spermatic cord and blood vessels. When an inguinal hernia occurs part of the intestine protrudes down the canal and sometimes into the scrotum. Hoo boy! was that ever fun to recover from! Painful for a bit afterwards. Lots of coagulated dark blue blood in the scrotum, and in my penis. Pretty in a way. Scary at first, but normal after such an operation. This time it’s different. I’m not sure exactly sure what type it is this time, but my stomach has felt odd for some time: hard and sometimes pushing outwards. I first felt pain there on a hike last December 21. It’s around my navel, so it could be an umbilical hernia (C), which occurs when the abdominal wall is weakened at the point of the umbilical cord, but usually in children. Or it could be an epigastric hernia (A). They are protrusions of fat or sometimes intestine through the abdominal wall between the naval and the breastbone. However, it seems to center around my navel. Instead of the way it looked before, my belly button appears flat and smooth – pushed flat. Thirdly, there is a ventral hernia (B). This type of hernia occurs when scar tissue weakens the abdominal wall such as following a surgical operation. I have a large old scar in that area from when my appendix burst at the young age of only eight. And of course there was the more recent surgery to repair the other hernia. Hard to say. The earliest appointment I could get to see a surgeon is in the middle of June!
What’s really odd is that I had the previous hernia repair done just after Maya’s first surgery to remove her brain tumor.
Now she’s going back in for another surgery four years later, and here I am possibly going back for more surgery as well. Life is really, really, odd sometimes.
UPDATE: the doc said it’s nothing to worry about unless there is pain or some problem – he verified that it is an umbilical hernia, but recently my 50-year-old scar nearby scabbed over and I noticed bits of the old heavy black suture thread (in vogue in the 1950s) sticking out of either end of the scab. Very odd.