Day 17 of my attempt to balance my body chemistry with bupropion.
Not much to report. I’ve been fairly mellow, even about the Dragon’s petty bitterness. Decided I’m not angry with her anymore. Doesn’t matter what she says or does. In fact, I forgive her everything. She can stay mad all she wants; not my problem.
Today, however, is another story. I’m tense, even without coffee. I feel nervous and irritable. I noticed that I was incredibly impatient today. Everyone was in my way, it seemed. Cars were too slow, people walked in my path, a car blocked me in when I had to leave a noontime meeting I’d been to at the union office. I pulled into the parking lot back at work, and a student walked right into the small marked motorcycle parking lot right in front of me, then she moved over into the space where I had to park. I just zoomed in front of her. Felt she was stupid and wrong, which is insane. It is me that’s impatient, and, while people shouldn’t walk across parking spaces in a busy lot, they do. It angered me though. This is why I discussed this with my doctor, why I’m taking bupropion and going to counseling. I have this unfounded irritability that keeps welling up into almost uncontrollable anger. I got back to work and would have screamed at my co-worker. I was already unhappy that he got on his phone for 30-40 minutes after a lab procedure was finished waiting for his attention. It matters to me because it extends my day a lot when the samples are loaded late in the day. When I came back, I found that he’d taken an expensive chemical out of the refrigerator and loaded it on a machine, whereas I’d left one out to warm to room temperature, and had even pointed it out to him before I left for my meeting. Instead, it appeared he hadn’t used it, and had then left it sitting out instead of putting it away. I fired off a terse email right away, and had to make sure it wasn’t too angry sounding. Turns out he’d had to use both bottles of reagent due to air bubbles in the machine’s delivery lines. If I had yelled at him he probably would have quit. I cannot continue to act this way. Sure enough, I had also experienced this with the Dragon, my ex-wife. She never mentioned it, and even said she thought everything had been fine, but I know it contributed to the estrangement we experienced, which led to the divorce. She was as bad as me.
Today I feel like everyone is in my way, and I don’t want to see anyone, be around anyone. Getting home in traffic is going to be difficult. Perhaps this drug will not be useful after all?
Perhaps I need to be somewhere by myself for awhile? Of course, when I came back to all this, I’d resent the intrusions of all these people perhaps even more. I don’t know what this is: suddenly people are the enemy, getting in my space, making too much noise. Everything is an irritation. I wish it would all go away.