Day 13 of the bupropion regime. Effects are not expected for two weeks, and tomorrow marks two weeks since I started it. Coincidentally, it is also my 2nd counseling session. I don’t know what to make of this drug. I can’t tell what, if anything, it’s doing. Perhaps it’s too soon to tell, as I’m having problems today. I called the ex, who I refer to in this blog as the Dragon, because of the hellfire she spewed out at me prior to the divorce. I had called her last week to discuss Maya, my stepdaughter. Maya’s 2nd brain operation is April 29, and I want to be there. She is going to Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, because of the specialists there, not because of her age. She was barely 21 when the tumor was first discovered, and after four years, she was fully recovered, and tumor free. Now, with this mass showing up on the MRI, she must have another operation, to remove it and see what it is. Hopefully it will just be scar tissue from the radiation therapy. Maya said she’d talk to her mom about me going, but her mom is not one to hear about something second hand like that – two years ago she got really pissed, thinking I had asked Maya to tell her I loved her, when in fact I had not done so. I had simply told Maya that I still loved her mom, while we were having dinner one evening. Maya tried to get through the Dragon’s anger, I think, by telling her that I still loved her, but it only made the Dragon mad that I’d “use” her daughter that way. So it goes.
Anyhoo, I called the Dragon last week to get details, find out about the trip to Texas, and see if she’d mind if I went along. I told her how much I wanted to be there, and that I’d help in any way with finances for traveling, or help drive, or with any part of the trip. She told me that nothing had been arranged yet, but she’d let me know. Not having heard from her in 8 days, I decided to call again. It’s all set. She’s flying down with her son, instead of driving. She doesn’t need help with the airfare. I asked her about hotels, and she said she’d doesn’t know yet. I offered to help pay for her stay, or share a room, but she said no to that, as I half-expected. Then I had to ask, because, if the Dragon doesn’t want me there, Maya won’t want me to upset her, which would upset Maya, so, I asked, “Is it OK if I’m there in the waiting room with her?” She said, no, she doesn’t want that. So, she doesn’t want me there, which means I can’t go. Maya will not want her mom upset any more than she is by the surgery. This sucks! Perhaps the drug is working? I am angry instead of dispassionate. This really pisses me off. I’m shaking. Hyped up. I feel something! but this anger is not what I was hoping for. I thought perhaps the Dragon and I could put past differences and misunderstandings aside, for Maya’s sake. Apparently not.
The Dragon is such a viscous, spiteful, hateful woman. You’d think I’d wanted to leave HER, instead of her kicking me out for what was a misunderstanding of what I’d said. She doesn’t want to see me ever again for any reason, even in a situation like this, when this young woman, who was like a daughter to me for 14 years of her life, is undergoing another traumatic operation on her brain. My stepson doesn’t reply to my phone calls or emails. The Dragon’s lifelong friend whom I got to know pretty well, and used to confide in, won’t respond to emails anymore either. She said she hoped that the Dragon and me could be happy, and thought a reconciliation was possible, but now she doesn’t respond anymore. The Dragon gets to everyone – they do what she wants, or face her unrelenting anger. I don’t think I’ve hated anyone in my life, but I hate this woman now, a woman I thought I could get along with, if only in this situation. I love my stepdaughter so much, and the Dragon still wants to cause me pain, any way she can. Damn that woman!
Update: hours later, after an energetic house cleaning operation, finally getting the floors clean around the house – the bricks are very uneven, so it’s hard to really get them clean without a lot of effort – I noticed all of a sudden that I wasn’t angry anymore. Now that was odd. In the past, when something like this happened, as when I couldn’t go to Maya’s graduation party, I was mad for a long time. Now it’s down to a few hours? Either the pills are working or I’ve become resigned to this behavior from the Dragon. She’s still angry! I thought we could put the past aside long enough to be there for Maya, but knowing the Dragon, and how she was with her first ex-husband, she doesn’t want me competing for Maya’s attention in any way. Strangely, I don’t hate her now, even for this. She can hate me all she wants; that’s her problem, not mine. Even more odd: I have now forgiven the Dragon for everything she said and did. I no longer care what she says. I wish her luck in coping with a world that she believes owes her a better life, and where she still hates her first husband, and me too.