Day nine of my bupropion pill regimen. As per doctor’s orders, I am only taking one/day instead of the normal two a day dose, in order to allow my system to get used to it. In five days I’ll go on 2/day. No noticeable effects as yet. Some of the older drugs caused weight gains, but this one is not supposed to do that. Oddly enough, weight loss is a possible side effect. However, I’ve had the worse allergy symptoms in many years this year. I have to ingest an antihistamine every day just to resemble a normal person, and be able to breathe normally. Something about antihistamines always makes me hungry, especially for sweets, which then make me sleepy. Kind of a trade: the old-style antihistamines made me sleepy; the new ones (lotoradine) don’t. But concentrated sugar makes me sleepy, so sleepy I often sit down and pass out. I didn’t say “go to sleep” because it happens so fast and goes so deep. I need the sleep, so I don’t mind. I am gaining weight however. That is annoying. I can feel the excess weight in my stomach. Ah, well, such is life.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my stepdaughter and ex-wife. My stepdaughter is going back for another brain operation. Last time they removed a tumor, she had chemo and radiation, and finally all traces of cancer were gone. She’s been healthy and happy. She’s been running marathons again. We hiked ten miles in the Sandia mountains on New Year’s Day. But, a recent MRI found another mass in the same area. Her surgeon things it’s scar tissue from all the radiation concentrated on that spot. Her chemo/radiation doctor thinks scar tissue is unlikely after all this time. So, she’s off to a hospital in Fort Worth for careful brain surgery. It was devastating to have her under the knife last time. It took almost all day, and she was in so much pain in post-op. You know someone’s in great pain, when, while being treated with morphine, they ask for something to kill the pain. It’s almost physically painful to watch someone you love in such pain. Then all the drugs that made her dopey, and her swollen face, and the chemotherapy that didn’t work, and the “gamma knife” radiation treatment followed by regular radiation treatments to that one area. She survived, which really made me happy – happier than I could recall ever being. Funny how that works; one has to hit the depths of sorrow or pain to experience the purest happiness afterwards.
I certainly hope that happiness follows depression. It would be nice to feel something again besides anger and frustration. Five more days may give the drug time to have an effect. Perhaps it will take another two weeks for the full dose to really work as it should. I’m not certain what to expect. I don’t want to anticipate anything. I want to know if it’s really going to help. The counselor I saw wants me to practice my mindful eating, and my mediation exercises. Haven’t got around to it yet. I’m still trying to learn guitar and it takes more practice than I’m giving it so far. I went to the campus radio station and took pledge calls last night – killed another evening. Meetings keep coming up, and I haven’t gone for a hike in three months, and haven’t even walked around the ditches like I used to. Union negotiations start soon. The financial situation is already causing a financial burden to hit campus employees, there are firings and/or layoffs here, and people expect the union to prevent such things from happening.
I’m worried about my step-daughter, so worried in fact, that I called the dragon!
It took me three tries to pick up and dial the phone. I rarely call anyone anymore. The divorce was so painful and my ex was so angry and bitter and had actually screamed so much in my ear on the phone one time that I couldn’t imagine talking to her again. I have imagined having her in bed with me, fucking her, things like that, but I had no wish to hear her criticisms, accusations, distortions and screaming ever again. I called her last Friday early in the evening. She was surprised to hear me on the phone. It has been a while. Told her I’d found out about her daughter’s operation. Told her I wanted to go to Texas for the operation. Asked her if she wanted to drive down together. She has a tentative plan to go with her sister. We talked a bit about the previous operation. I know how hard that was on the dragon. Told her I’d help in any way. She thanked me. Said she let me know, as her plans haven’t been made yet – travel by car? plane? motel reservations? Nothing yet. Sent her a book I’d read a few weeks ago, Lima Nights. I had been reading it when I talked with a friend of the dragon, who told me she was telling people that I’d told her I didn’t love her anymore. Never said it – couldn’t have, as I had 14 years of deep feelings for her, and it doesn’t go away overnight. I told her I hadn’t missed her when she’d been away on vacation. Truth was I was dead tired from working on the house, and really enjoyed the peace and quiet at night without the blaring TV, not to mention the reduced stress from not having her around riding my ass to get the addition and new roof completed. I thought the book touched on the idea, in the second half, of two people who loved each other failing to communicate, and the tragic results of that. I thought she might respond, but she never did. Thinking she might have misunderstood why I sent her the book, or the events depicted in it, I sent her a two-page letter telling her how I’d seen the events unfold almost two years ago. I did my best to explain what I had said, and why I didn’t understand why she thought I’d said I didn’t love her. No response, again. Which is why it was even harder to pick up the phone. At the end of the conversation, I asked her if she wanted to get together (to talk, as I’d asked in the letter), and she said no. So, that’s that. But the operation is April 29. Here’s a video that shows the apparatus and operation:
I have no idea now if we’ll travel together to Texas, or meet up in the waiting room. Her first husband will also be there; in fact he may fly his daughter down, and we, or the dragon and her sister, may drive her back. I don’t know how soon my step daughter will be able to travel. So many unknowns, so much uncertainty. I have no idea why the dragon ever thought I’d leave her – I hate to change my life. I want stability, peace, rest. I’d never have left, despite her foul moods and depressions. The good times were enough for me, almost. What I wanted was for the bad times to be less horrible. At times, I had wished I could fall in love with someone else, just to see if happiness was eluding me. Then I did fall in love, but with someone else who didn’t want me. Happiness eludes me now, all the time.
Such a cheery picture I paint here. hahahaha hah.