Depression does have me

My step-daughter wrote on Facebook: “I have cancer; cancer doesn’t have me.”  She’s a fighter.  She’ll probably survive again.  Me, I don’t know. Turns out I won’t feel anything from this drug for a couple weeks.  What I felt was just a side effect, which makes sense, because I woke up at 2:30 am that first night I was taking it.  I’ve taken two more of the bupropion pills and haven’t noticed anything.  The clinic doctor who prescribed the bupropion recommended I also get counseling, so I’ve done that too.  Saw a guy this morning, and he agrees that it’s depression alright.  Spilled my guts about all my frustrations, anger, lack of any other emotions, the disconnect.  As I recalled and told him of the various things that have been on my mind, the anger came out, and I was cursing the place I work, the inept and corrupt administration, and the increased bureaucracy around there.  I am still angry with my ex, and feel like I’ve been taken advantage of, used.  I’ve had periodic bouts of depression before in my life, starting in childhood, and considered suicide back then and several times in my life.   He mentioned long-term psychotherapy, but I’m not interested in that.  I will see him seven more times, and see how it goes.  As he explained it, the drug is not a crutch for losers, as I’d often thought, but a useful tool. It’s not unlike the chemical changes one makes when eating, or taking alcohol, or hydrating oneself.  All these things change the body chemistry.  If this bupropion has some effect, then perhaps it’s OK.  I hate taking any kind of drug. I rarely even have a drink anymore.  But, I’m depressed, angry, distracted, irritable, unfocused, not sleeping, making too many mistakes at work, zoning out.   Might as well try something else, since I’m not getting anywhere on my own.



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