Madness Made Personal

silence No word from Karen lately.  My heart is cold and empty.  I haven’t heard from her since Friday the 13th.  I sent her an email after we had lunch, wishing her a lucky Friday the Thirteenth, since she likes those movies so much.  No response, but I wouldn’t have expected one.  It’s pretty rare when she responds to anything, unless it has to do with lunch.  She is very busy these days, and often out of the office, so even the people at the cafeteria haven’t seen her there much lately.  They know her; she’s very friendly to them all, and wishes them a good weekend on Fridays.  She almost always gets a Frito Pie like I do, so they know her as a regular for those delicious things.  She gets hers with beef; I get mine with chicken.  I went last Friday, even though she didn’t respond to my email, but didn’t see her.  No response today either, and a no show.  In fact, I checked the status of the email I sent today, and it was delivered, but not opened.  However, if she opened it with her cell phone, the University’s email system wouldn’t know.  That often happens when I communicate with Philip in the lab, so I never know if he got my emails saying I’d be late, or not coming in. Since he never checks the phone messages, I have to send emails.  He always gets them, but the system doesn’t show it.

So, Karen could have read it, or seen that it was from me and ignored it.  On Friday the 13th she deleted the message I sent right away and purged it right away.  No big deal. She might have been away today; she might respond Monday.

Last weekend I sent an email to her hotmail account.  She used to forward interesting stories to me from that email, so that’s why I have it.  I’ve almost given up sending or forwarding anything to that account, since she never responds.  I even asked her if she still used the account, and, “Yes,” she said,  it’s still her main email account.   She could have decided to block emails from me a long time ago, after I practically begged her to come visit me, and even confessed one time that I kept trying to find something we could do together that wasn’t like a date, (and therefore inappropriate).  She did get that one, I think, because she was mad afterwards, and said something about “people’s” inappropriate behavior. She never tells me anything right out, except in direct face-to-face response to a request to meet  for dinner after work or see a movie, and those, she said, would be like a date.  So, I’ve stopped asking.  However, I did ask her, via email one day, if she had seen Changeling.   It’s written by J. Michael Straczynski, and she’ll read or see anything of his.  She responded, in her typical wordy fashion: “Not Yet.”  Then again, ‘The Changeling‘ is the name of a horror film from 1980, so maybe she thought I meant that?  She much prefers movies like that.  Perhaps the Clint Eastwood-directed movie with Angelina Jolie is not her style? No, she stays current on everything Straczynski does, so it has to be that one.  She probably already saw the horror movie.  Actually, the whole idea of a changeling is centuries old; the belief that a baby was switched at birth  and a demon substituted, as in: changeling_large – from 1780.

So I rented it from Netflix; it had been in my queue for months, and was finally available.  She won’t let me lend her a Netflix movie after I’ve watched it.  She thinks that is improper somehow, even though the movies aren’t checked out just for me to watch by myself only.  I can’t imagine they care if someone else watches it, even if it’s not in my home with me.  She won’t do it.  So, I had the movie; it had arrived on Thursday afternoon and I hadn’t had a chance to watch it. I sent an email to her hotmail account, asking her to come watch it with me.  I said I’d wait until 7:00 pm, but if she needed to come earlier or later, that was OK, but to let me know if she was coming later.  I even said I’d wait until Saturday or Sunday if she liked.  No response.  In fact, I gave up on the whole idea of watching it.  I sat on it all week, hoping to see her today, ask her in person, but she wasn’t there.  I didn’t send an email this time.  Not much point.  I still wish we could be such friends, at least, as would watch a movie together.  I don’t know why I feel so attached to her.


I received a note in Facebook from an old friend of the Dragon.  She has known the Dragon since childhood in LA.  She asked how I was doing, and I wrote to her.  I told her that my step-daughter had heard her mother tell someone on the phone that we split up because I told her I didn’t love her.  Fucking unbelievable!  I never said such a thing.  I assumed that the Dragon heard me say, “I didn’t call her while she was away, because I didn’t miss her,” and she heard that to mean I didn’t love her. No, not the case.  Apparently, the Dragon told her old friend that I specifically told her I didn’t love her, and she threw it in my face, saying, for instance, “Why would I want to go with someone who doesn’t love me?”  And, since I didn’t contradict her, it must have been true.  Bizarre!  The actual words she used were, “Why would I want to go (as in travel) with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?”  A little different, but we’d already been over that, and she was yelling it at me, and my step-daughter was right there, so I wanted to avoid upsetting her any more than necessary.  There was nothing I could say.  I told her I did want to drive with her, but she was having none of it.  Later on, she called me from LA, wanting to know why I was using HER daughter as a messenger.  And, how DARE I say anything to her at all? My wonderful step-daughter had tired to tell her mom that I still loved her, which is what I had told her, and, I had not asked her to say anything to her mother.  The Dragon roared, screaming in my ear, and accused me of being a liar, and a terrible husband, and cheap, and stingy, and I had to hang up.  She called back to tell me that half of everything I had was hers.  She had noticed that I’d written her a check for half of the IRS refund, as was our custom, and she said I was already splitting everything up for a divorce.  She would not listen to me at all.

dragon1 It”ll be two years in May since this happened.  I went into the details in earlier posts back then, so no need to rehash it.  The interesting thing is that the Dragon is telling people I actually told her I didn’t love her, when I was telling everyone who would listen that I did.    So, the entire thing could be a result of miscommunication?   She often did that anyway.  Her hearing is bad, even when I’m looking directly at her and speak clearly.  She’ll tell me I said something else entirely, and insist that I’m lying, and I hate being told I’m a liar. It always made me mad.  I couldn’t help it. I would try to show her how she might have misunderstood or not heard right, but since she’s never wrong, she couldn’t even admit the possibility.  In her mind I change my story later, even when there’s no benefit to me to do so.

Now, I’m supposed to have not retracted my statement about not loving her (and she is supposed to have given me a chance to), and to have not fought for her, when she wasn’t talking to me at all, and locked herself in a bedroom and stayed on the phone non-stop night after night for three weeks.  She would glare at me like a child and not speak, and then finally said I had to leave or she’d call the police, say her life was in danger.  Turns out that people do that, and I would have been forced out, and later on there’d be a hearing, but by then I’d be out of the house living somewhere else, and why would I want to go back then?  (When she finally spoke, it was only to get the house for herself.)

So, I didn’t think there was much to say.  As I expected, I am the villain – it was all my fault, and everything I ever said was a lie.

I don’t know what to think anymore.  Is she crazy as a loon too, or is it just me?


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