Still my mind is not at peace


I hadn’t seen Karen for awhile, since my last post here.  With Halloween, she was busy.  I emailed to her that (since she has always extended an open invitation for all to see her yard haunt) that I would like to bring my camera and take pictures, and that I’d take pictures of everything if she would like.  Since she never responded, I didn’t go.  I asked her about that today, and she dismissed it as her being just crazy busy.  She got a haircut recently, a birthday present.  I didn’t comment (could be inappropriate), although the haircut did look good on her.  Possibly she expected me to, as she went out of her way to let me know I hadn’t noticed a haircut once before.  The cashier in the cafeteria asked her, and I heard her say it was a birthday present.  I hadn’t heard what the cashier had asked, so when we sat down I asked her what is was she had gotten for her birthday.  She told me it was the haircut, among other things, mostly cash, coin_spinssince that’s what she has told everyone she really needs; no more things.  She didn’t get taken out for dinner this time, as everyone in the family goes, and not everyone pays their own way.  Her nieces did give her some Halloween decorations for her birthday.  She said that they had wanted to give her a collection of Goosebumps movies, and Karen thought that was pretty funny.  They are so young that they think of the Goosebump stories as very scary, goosebumps and they knew Karen would like to watch scary stories.  Actually Karen’s tastes run more to the Halloween movies and the Friday the 13th movies.  She’s looking forward to seeing the new remake of Friday the 13th, but in this one the mother is not a killer. jason

Anyway, I didn’t even give Karen a card this time for her birthday, and no gift certificate for dinner, or cash.  I had sent her an e-card, but she never got it.  She says she doesn’t accept e-cards usually, and has her email filters set pretty high.  Perhaps she expected I would give her a real card with money in it?  I never know what to do.  Hate to be “inappropriate”.  I did actually buy a wonderful painting of a dragon with a rattlesnake skin, placed near the Anasazi ruins of New Mexico. anasazi-ruins I thought she would really like that.  However, since I wasn’t going to see her on her birthday, or the week after, I held onto it until I’d see her again. But, I forgot to bring it anyway.  It doesn’t fit in my bike bag, so I’d have to drive the car, and I never know when I’ll see her.  Who knows if she’d accept it? I’ve become so inhibited around her now, never knowing what I can say or do. After watching the movie Venus, and then Ghost World, ghostworld I decided I finally had an understanding of the nature of our relationship. I mean, I get it, we’re too far apart in age, and who knows what else.  I probably seemed like an interesting character, and she enjoyed having someone to talk to who could appreciate her tastes in movies and books.  No interest beyond that, even though my inappropriate interest in her was transparent.  Just like in those movies, she could overlook what’s not interesting to her, and not really care about my pathetic insanity.

Such an odd relationship still.  I asked her about her Halloween, and she got animated talking it, and her family.  She was in a real good mood again, and it was great to eat with her.  Of course, I’d rather eat her, but that’s a thought I have to forget about.   Talked about my nephew’s visit, and the movie I saw – Ghost World – but she said she hadn’t seen it or read it. I was going to bring up inappropriate relationships.  I could have sworn she’d read it, but anyway.  After a while, when we’d finished eating, I ran out of things I could say, and I’d swear she looked at me as if expecting me to say more, or perhaps give her a card or present?  I don’t know.  I felt awkward.  It’s probably just my deteriorating mental state.

I love seeing her, listening to her, but afterwards I get depressed.  I’m so sad now I wish I could die.  That’s depression, of course, hanging over me like a dank, foul-smelling sulphurous gas cloud. depression

I’d already accepted that my feelings for Karen were just an obsessive infatuation, and that there will never, could never, be any reciprocation of feelings, or more of a friendship than what it is.  It is what it is.  So why am I so unhappy after seeing her?  I’d see a counselor for help, but I don’t want any help.  Just don’t care about much of anything.   And yet I was looking forward to today, just for the possibility of seeing her for lunch.

Come and sit by my side if you love me,

Do not hasten to bid me adieu

Just remember the Duke City valley,

And the old boy that loved you so true.

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8 Responses to “Still my mind is not at peace”

  1. gwenrachel Says:

    How are things going now, a few weeks after this post?

    kitty@calamitysmagnet.com

  2. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Oh, I always settle back down. If I see her Friday, who knows? I must enjoy torturing myself. I always still look forward to seeing her. It was odd last time that I felt so let down afterwards, even without any expectations.

  3. bluemac Says:

    Oh man … I’m in a similar situation. The girl is my age, though. I’m married. The whole entire situation is ridiculous. I wish I never met her. It’s killing me.

  4. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Sorry man. It happens. I wrote this stuff trying to understand, but reason doesn’t appear to help. I read somewhere recently that perhaps it has to do thinking that there is a relationship or person that will make us happy; that that’s all we think we need. In reality, we need to just be happy with life as it is, and enjoy the relationships we have as they are. Ha ha. Fat chance.
    Watch yourself though; if you want to keep your marriage; this will undermine it, even if nothing ever happens.

  5. bluemac Says:

    Oh, I know. It has to some extent — and I’m trying my best to keep myself together — because I know this infatuation is in my mind and is not the basis for anything real or sustained. Mind you, the connection was avidly sought by her and nourished for a good 2 – 3 years and then …. oh well, time to move on type of thing. Thomas Jefferson once said “Do not bite the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.” Well, I didn’t heed that lesson and now I feel trapped in my own illogical feelings. Plus … we work together. I wish I could quit the job, but I can’t. It’s funny, some of the stuff you wrote is eerily similar to some of what I’ve experienced. I too get depressed after seeing this person. My mental state seems to be tied directly to how I perceive her treatment of me. That sucks out loud!

  6. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Have you read the posts on limerence that I have here? It is a term used by psychologists, and one point that is very clear is that, “My mental state seems to be tied directly to how I perceive her treatment of me.” It is central to understanding the entire obsession.

  7. bluemac Says:

    Oh yes. All too familiar with the dreaded limerence. What a honey trap it is and one in which I got caught. Well … if anything, I’m a lot wiser than I was 3 yrs ago. I’ve been trying to pull away, but it is not easy. I always fall back into the same patterns of thought and behavior that fuel this insidious disease. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By that definition, I could be classified as insane. I’m trying like hell to break the patterns.

  8. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Yep, yep, yep. Decided I was insane some time ago.


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