I hadn’t seen Karen for awhile, since my last post here. With Halloween, she was busy. I emailed to her that (since she has always extended an open invitation for all to see her yard haunt) that I would like to bring my camera and take pictures, and that I’d take pictures of everything if she would like. Since she never responded, I didn’t go. I asked her about that today, and she dismissed it as her being just crazy busy. She got a haircut recently, a birthday present. I didn’t comment (could be inappropriate), although the haircut did look good on her. Possibly she expected me to, as she went out of her way to let me know I hadn’t noticed a haircut once before. The cashier in the cafeteria asked her, and I heard her say it was a birthday present. I hadn’t heard what the cashier had asked, so when we sat down I asked her what is was she had gotten for her birthday. She told me it was the haircut, among other things, mostly cash, since that’s what she has told everyone she really needs; no more things. She didn’t get taken out for dinner this time, as everyone in the family goes, and not everyone pays their own way. Her nieces did give her some Halloween decorations for her birthday. She said that they had wanted to give her a collection of Goosebumps movies, and Karen thought that was pretty funny. They are so young that they think of the Goosebump stories as very scary, and they knew Karen would like to watch scary stories. Actually Karen’s tastes run more to the Halloween movies and the Friday the 13th movies. She’s looking forward to seeing the new remake of Friday the 13th, but in this one the mother is not a killer.
Anyway, I didn’t even give Karen a card this time for her birthday, and no gift certificate for dinner, or cash. I had sent her an e-card, but she never got it. She says she doesn’t accept e-cards usually, and has her email filters set pretty high. Perhaps she expected I would give her a real card with money in it? I never know what to do. Hate to be “inappropriate”. I did actually buy a wonderful painting of a dragon with a rattlesnake skin, placed near the Anasazi ruins of New Mexico. I thought she would really like that. However, since I wasn’t going to see her on her birthday, or the week after, I held onto it until I’d see her again. But, I forgot to bring it anyway. It doesn’t fit in my bike bag, so I’d have to drive the car, and I never know when I’ll see her. Who knows if she’d accept it? I’ve become so inhibited around her now, never knowing what I can say or do. After watching the movie Venus, and then Ghost World, I decided I finally had an understanding of the nature of our relationship. I mean, I get it, we’re too far apart in age, and who knows what else. I probably seemed like an interesting character, and she enjoyed having someone to talk to who could appreciate her tastes in movies and books. No interest beyond that, even though my inappropriate interest in her was transparent. Just like in those movies, she could overlook what’s not interesting to her, and not really care about my pathetic insanity.
Such an odd relationship still. I asked her about her Halloween, and she got animated talking it, and her family. She was in a real good mood again, and it was great to eat with her. Of course, I’d rather eat her, but that’s a thought I have to forget about. Talked about my nephew’s visit, and the movie I saw – Ghost World – but she said she hadn’t seen it or read it. I was going to bring up inappropriate relationships. I could have sworn she’d read it, but anyway. After a while, when we’d finished eating, I ran out of things I could say, and I’d swear she looked at me as if expecting me to say more, or perhaps give her a card or present? I don’t know. I felt awkward. It’s probably just my deteriorating mental state.
I’d already accepted that my feelings for Karen were just an obsessive infatuation, and that there will never, could never, be any reciprocation of feelings, or more of a friendship than what it is. It is what it is. So why am I so unhappy after seeing her? I’d see a counselor for help, but I don’t want any help. Just don’t care about much of anything. And yet I was looking forward to today, just for the possibility of seeing her for lunch.
Come and sit by my side if you love me,
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
Just remember the Duke City valley,
And the old boy that loved you so true.