The Introvert is back!


09/12/08

That would be me.  I was that way as a child, was a loner in high school, and lived alone for years after.  I even traveled across country alone, at first.  Of course, I learned to interact with people, smiled more, and started conversations with strangers.  I became good at meeting women, and enjoyed the sex a lot, and the intimacy and living together.  After this last marriage fell part, however, I find I’m happy by myself.  I actually avoid contact with other people.  I have a new computer, and I’m busy migrating old programs and images.  I spend a lot of time writing now, and rewriting and editing.  I’m excited to think I may be able to finally get something published in print.  It is a lot of work, and I may ultimately be unsuccessful, but, like taking photographs, I enjoy it.  I may never be able to make a living at writing, photography, and selling used books and movies, but that seems to be the way I’ll spend my retirement.  Of course, since my retirement pay will not be enough to cover the living expenses I have now, I don’t know when I’ll retire.  I am so tired of this job.

How appealing it seems now to retire!  I could even bury myself in writing and internet stuff, and never have much interaction with anyone ever again.  Misanthropic.   I am falling back into my usually unconscious distrust and dislike of people.

The bicycle is repaired, and ready for me, but I haven’t ridden it anywhere yet.  I’ll ride it down to the co-op tomorrow, buy some bread and sushi.

Sometimes I think I should move away, into the mountains.  There are too many people around here.  I don’t like hearing the conversations and noise of the city.

I don’t like the traffic or crowds.

Some people bury themselves in their family.  I did that with each marriage, and now, without either of those people in my life, I have nothing.   I have a few friends, but the interactions are limited.

Ha!  I say I don’t want to be around people, but at the same time, I’m disappointed that the interactions I have are too shallow and distant. Of course, it’s really me that’s shallow and distant.  Depression is normal after divorce, but after all this time, I should be over that.  Instead, I find myself sinking further into alienation and misanthropy.  It’s like: “Why bother? Why should I care anyway?”  I don’t know the answers.  I think I’ll buy the t-shirt.

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2 Responses to “The Introvert is back!”

  1. LuLi Says:

    Hey, its good to hear you are concentrating on your writing and getting a lot of joy from it. Best of luck with getting published, remember persistence is key! Its alright to go through stages of wanting to be alone, sometimes after such long stretches of having to watch what we do and how we act, it can be such a relief to just kick back and relax without caring.

  2. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Thanks! Sorry I haven’t been to your site and commented, but thanks for checking in on me. It’s odd, when I think back on my life; the periods of being by myself were really short compared with the time I spent living with others. Although I was lonely in high school, after that I had roommates, lovers, friends and sex for about 5 or six years until moving in with one woman for two years. I hooked up with someone else very quickly after that, and we were lovers, although not monogamously, for five years. Then I got married to someone, was alone for six months and got married to another. (Of course, there was a period of time together before making the marriages legal).
    Now, I’ve been alone for over a year, with no real prospect of or even desire for another relationship. Any hell, I’m a lot older now. The clock is ticking faster. The years slip like oil reserves. It’s hard to have a plan, or be patient. Hard to imagine that this is just a stage.
    (So melodramatic! or emo). Sigh.


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