When will the wheel stop?

Although I keep saying that my obsession with Karen is over, it bothered me to see her today.  I ran into her in passing, held a door for her, said Hi.  She looked fantastic, really pretty.   She seemed to pause, seemed to want to say something, but since she didn’t, I asked her if she liked Spamalot.  She said it was fun.   I said the same, and she continued on her way downstairs as I sprinted up the stairs back to my cage.

Depressed now.  That chance meeting got me thinking about her, and how we don’t have lunch anymore, and how little we had to talk about anymore, and what she must think of me now.  I don’t know why it should matter.  I did obsess over her for a long time.  I started and wrote this blog, for a year, all about her and my fantasies regarding her.  It’s been months since I was able to finally accept the futility and finality of the end of the fantasy, but damn, I feel bad now, again.  Why?

<-the obsessive love wheel

Of all the people I’ve ever met or known or wanted, she is the only one that affects me this way anymore.   I was obsessed, and I confused love with obsession.  Knowing that, I still haven’t entirely broken the obsession.  No wonder she fears me now.  I feel broken, sad, and  empty.  At times like this I wonder what there is to live for.

Well, that’s depression for ya.  Entirely my own doing, and I won’t stop thinking about her.  I could, but I don’t. I should, but I don’t.

From the Obsessive Love Wheel:

  • Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling “empty” inside).
  • A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
  • Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
  • How odd is it that I suddenly meet the one other person in my life that I used to obsess over for many years, Elaine? After she found someone else, I was left in the lurch, unable to go on, feeling as though I’d lost the one great love of my life. I had to go through several lovers and two marriages to be beyond that, and now, here she is again. We’re friends. I can easily be friends with her. Karen: I still must have feelings for Karen, or it wouldn’t hurt so much.


    5 Responses to “When will the wheel stop?”

    1. LuLi Says:

      Its funny how once you’re over someone they can never hold the same sway over you ever again. Maybe its fate Elaine came back to show you that one day Karen could mean just as little (romantically) to you.
      P.S. Tagged you for a meme over at my blog if you’re interested.

    2. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

      “tagged me for a meme”? I’m not sure exactly what that means. I looked, and I know what a meme is, but I is still confused. 🙂
      It is funny that Karen has definitely brushed me off, and I have a dinner date with Elaine in an hour. Life is quirky!

    3. LuLi Says:

      How’d your dinner date go?
      A meme is just a blog activity passed on through bloggers. I was tagged by someone so I looked at their ‘meme post’ which said I should find the closest book to me and write the 5th sentence found on the 123rd page in a post on my own blog. And then I tag other bloggers, one of which was you.. and then you do the meme and tag other bloggers and so on, and so on..
      Hehe, its all just for a bit of fun.

    4. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

      The ‘date’ was OK. Elaine came right from work, so she was dressed really nice, and I thought, pretty hot too. We had a nice dinner, but she went home after to take care of her cats. (She is a cat lady after all.) I kept wondering how a woman that old has such perky-looking tits. I wanted to see and touch. I asked her to come over; she said she couldn’t, but, she said we should have breakfast the next day, so we did that. After that we went to buy some plants, and she got quite few. I helped her repair a circular hanger in her kitchen that she hung pots and utensils on until it fell from the ceiling last week. After that, we did go back to my place! And! And! I taught her how to play chess.
      She says we agreed to just be friends.

    5. LuLi Says:

      Sounds like it was a lot of fun for you. Its good to have some interesting company you can relax with.

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