Although I keep saying that my obsession with Karen is over, it bothered me to see her today. I ran into her in passing, held a door for her, said Hi. She looked fantastic, really pretty. She seemed to pause, seemed to want to say something, but since she didn’t, I asked her if she liked Spamalot. She said it was fun. I said the same, and she continued on her way downstairs as I sprinted up the stairs back to my cage.
Depressed now. That chance meeting got me thinking about her, and how we don’t have lunch anymore, and how little we had to talk about anymore, and what she must think of me now. I don’t know why it should matter. I did obsess over her for a long time. I started and wrote this blog, for a year, all about her and my fantasies regarding her. It’s been months since I was able to finally accept the futility and finality of the end of the fantasy, but damn, I feel bad now, again. Why?
Of all the people I’ve ever met or known or wanted, she is the only one that affects me this way anymore. I was obsessed, and I confused love with obsession. Knowing that, I still haven’t entirely broken the obsession. No wonder she fears me now. I feel broken, sad, and empty. At times like this I wonder what there is to live for.
Well, that’s depression for ya. Entirely my own doing, and I won’t stop thinking about her. I could, but I don’t. I should, but I don’t.
From the Obsessive Love Wheel:
How odd is it that I suddenly meet the one other person in my life that I used to obsess over for many years, Elaine? After she found someone else, I was left in the lurch, unable to go on, feeling as though I’d lost the one great love of my life. I had to go through several lovers and two marriages to be beyond that, and now, here she is again. We’re friends. I can easily be friends with her. Karen: I still must have feelings for Karen, or it wouldn’t hurt so much.