I started this blog a while back, putting down my secret life, this unrequited love/limerence/obsession with a woman I know from work. I was obsessively infatuated with her, but I finally got over it. Crazy as I am, I finally convinced myself how stupid it was to carry a torch for this woman, to feel pain on rejection, to miss her any time I couldn’t see her, or to dread the day when I couldn’t see her again. My last desperate act was to send her a huge bunch of tulips for Valentine’s Day, and she made it clear that, not only did it bother her, but it was wholly inappropriate. That was the end for me.
She sent me an email today telling me when she was going to lunch, so I met her there. She was very distracted, and I did most of the talking. Finally, she told me that I had almost run her over with the motorcycle last Tuesday! I never even knew! I had pulled into that parking lot by mistake, and was in a hurry trying to cut across to get back to the campus road. I was distracted by a car coming diagonally across the lot too. She said she had just opened her door and I almost hit her. I didn’t remember! After thinking about it, I vaguely remember something like that. You’d think I’d have recognized Karen anyway, or even done a double take and realized it was her, or remembered that I came that close to hitting someone. Suddenly her behavior in the morning made sense. I had been standing in line for coffee when I saw her come out of the stairwell. She didn’t seem to notice me, but I waved anyway. She went on by, but I noticed in the corner of my eye that she didn’t head out the doors; she stopped around the corner. I thought that was odd, so when I got my coffee and headed for the stairwell, I looked over and she was there. She walked right out then. She had one of those huge muffins in her hand, so after I said Hi, I asked, “chocolate?” because that is what she likes, but she didn’t answer, and turned away and walked quickly to the coffee cart. Seemed strange, but she acts that way sometimes, so I didn’t give it any thought until she told me about the motorcycle incident.
For some reason, this is bothering me a whole lot. I even wrote her an apology later, as I realized I had made light of it at lunch, and it may have been more of a serious thing to her. What if she thinks it was deliberate? That I was angry that she had rejected me? No wonder she seemed so preoccupied and anxious during lunch. The reason she hadn’t said anything sooner was that she wasn’t absolutely sure it was me, but the “old” guy with the white beard, in the black jacket and black cap had almost run her down. Had to have been me. I cut through that lot two days in a row. I remember now, someone getting out of a car as I passed, and it was close, so after that I didn’t go that way again. But Karen! To have almost run into Karen! It’s like having an emotional flashback. Spoke to my 1st ex-wife, who is a mental health counselor close by. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal, so I guess I shouldn’t.
The funny thing about the car that angled across the parking lot, now that I think about it, is that it was the same car I seem to remember someone getting out of almost as soon as it stopped. Which, well, which would mean that the car angling across my path on Tuesday was Karen, and she had recognized me and was trying to get my attention, and I blew right by her, almost into her! Perhaps she wanted a ride, or to say hello? If so, then I must be the most self-destructive being on the planet! Actually, there is a shuttle stop in that lot, and there was probably a shuttle sitting there and she hopped out quickly like that to get the shuttle before it left. Probably never saw me until I almost ran her down. Jeezus effing H Keerist!