Is it a good trade?



Got an email moments ago from that very same woman I would have traded everything for:

” I will be going to lunch at 1 today.” 12 minutes to go.

Tried the green chile stew finally today. It’s OK, but I could hardly taste the chile. Karen got the grilled cheese this time, with fries. She looked good, as always. Told her that the new version of Blade Runner is at the Guild theater; bladerunner.jpg I want to see it. She already knew about it. Too bad we couldn’t go see it together. How odd it is to have a friend that likes all the same things, but we can never do anything together, except have lunch at work. I almost blew even that with the flowers. She didn’t look real happy when she came in, but after she told me about completing another Halloween project – the scarecrow burning on a bonfire, and showed me pictures, and talked about that for awhile, she was in a good mood. We talked about movies and she gave me back the Persepolis books I lent her. Neither of us have seen the movie yet. I want to see it. And I know just the person who’d enjoy seeing it, but, sigh, not with me. persepolis.jpg

Seeing Karen in a good mood, I thought it would be a good time to bring up the flowers. I didn’t want to destroy the mood, but I thought I should bring it up; I knew she wasn’t going to say anything. I asked her if she had been given a really hard time by her family, and she said, no, just that they had kept asking her about them all weekend. I told her I really didn’t have anyone else to give flowers too. I told her that it really made me happy to send the flowers. She said, “Yeah, but it was really inappropriate.” Well, I expected that. Knew it, and knew better than to do something like that, but did it anyway. I already told her in an email last week that I wouldn’t do it again, so there wasn’t much else to say. I told her my theory that maybe they wouldn’t bug her as much about having a boyfriend, but she said something like that just makes things worse.

I think the fire is out for me now, finally. Sure took me awhile to let reality sink in. It’s hard to know for sure, as I don’t feel much of anything right now anyway. It was nice to feel that I was in love – inappropriately – but what do I care? I felt more alive than I had in 30 years. I still like her, and would gladly spend more time with her, but that is never, ever, going to happen. C’est la vie!

How strange it is to know someone I’d have done anything for: get divorced, lose the house I’d worked so hard on, turn my whole life upside down, but it doesn’t matter. That’s the chances we take, huh? I feel a lot like this guy in the picture. Traded my comfortable life for a slim chance at a wild, passionate, free-for-all love, and ended up with nothing, not even a taste of love. And now, now, what do I even want love for? The misanthrope part of me is taking over. Did you know that there are such people as humanitarian misanthropes? Maybe I should strive for that.



6 Responses to “Is it a good trade?”

  1. leafless Says:

    It all depends. I need more information. 🙂

  2. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Ah. Unsuccessful in getting the love; still lost everything. 😦

  3. WhiteWolf Says:

    I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of the right thing to say here but it will probably come out in a jumbled mess anyhow. Anyway, I stumbled on to your blog one day while surfing and in two days I have caught up with an entire year of your life. It seems strange to know someone like that without ever having met them or saying hello. Your passion moves me and I find myself caring about how your heart fares through all this. I’m not even really sure what I’m trying to get at here with this little comment. I guess, just to say hi. And to take care.

  4. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Things feel better. I don’t know if the feelings I developed for Karen affected my marriage or not. I know the marriage was not going well, and I wasn’t all that happy at the time I met Karen. After years of a relationship in which I found I was not interested in other women, for the first time in the marriage, I began to look at other women, and get turned on by them. Since I had only felt turned on by my wife for so long, I was surprised to feel that way. Never took action on it. If anything, ogling and flirting seemed to increase my sexual desire for my wife. But, the marriage crashed and burned. If my friendship with Karen and my feelings for her helped the marriage self-destruct, so much the better. I should not have been in a relationship like that, and there didn’t seem to be any way to change it. I was always optimistic that I could, so it turned out better that it ended, as I wasn’t going to leave, as my ex believed, and she allowed no option to salvage it. She took the opportunity to prove she doesn’t need anyone, and reduce her fear of homelessness at the same time. I certainly hoped that I would then be free to ask Karen out, and explore that fantasy, but, no such luck. That was hard, really, really, hard. I guess there really is such a thing as limerence! Now I’m back to drifting. No love, and a withdrawal from people in general. Things will change. I don’t know when or how. I don’t worry about it anymore.

  5. WhiteWolf Says:

    Well I certainly hope things change for the better for ya soon. Love is nice to have. I understand though. I’m sort of in a little unrequited love thing myself. Lemme tell ya, it blows. Ah well. Just keep the words of Monty Python in your head: “Always look on the bright side of life!” (I’d sing it for ya but I think my cats would jump out the window.)

  6. TweetstoTweets (@tweetstotweets) Says:

    I’m sorry man! But remember, you are not the only one! Look at my story

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