Saw Karen on Friday, our last day of work until Jan. 2. She was too busy with meetings and other work to have lunch or even coffee. I made some calendars through the University printing service and gave her one. It had some of my best pics of the Balloon Fiesta. I also gave her a gift certificate for a Japanese Restaurant where she likes to go. I would have rather taken her myself, but that is impossible of course. Oh, well. Anyway, we were able to talk a little, and she is going to get the tattoo she wanted over the holiday. She was in a good mood contemplating getting the tattoo done. She’d been almost against doing it since she would still be itchy when she came back to work, but she decided that was OK. Perhaps I had helped talk her into it? I had told her I thought she should do it anyway. She gave me a Xmas card, the first such card ever. I wasn’t expecting anything, and had even convinced myself she might not meet me at all. She wrote, ” Have a great holiday and a happy new year!! Karen” Perhaps she feels that it is OK to give me a card now? that I won’t be encouraged to pursue her? She did tell me how impossible a relationship between us is, and I have accepted that. It was certainly nice to see her.
Later, I began experiencing sadness and depression again. I’m still in love with her. I don’t know how that can be? I know better. I felt I made that break, finally accepted reality. How can I still desire her so much? I was practically suicidal. If these low spikes in my gradually improving state of mind get any lower, I probably will entertain those thoughts more. Damn, I got sad. You’d think I’d lost a loved one to death, from the utter sadness and hopelessness I felt. It took hours to recover. I decided to write to Karen, invite her to stop by for a cup of coffee sometime:
>>>Karen, I have a nice tree and I’ve been buying old ornaments off of eBay to decorate it with. It’s still a bit empty and lonely in this place, and I thought the tree would help brighten it and my mood up. It does smell really good. It would be so nice to show it to you, and show you the house. I was going to invite my step-kids over, but I just found out that my step-daughter has already left for Vietnam, and then Australia, courtesy of her dad, who works for Intel in Vietnam. She had mentioned going, but I thought she meant at the end of next semester when she would graduate. I miss her already. She has been very sweet to me since the divorce, and took me out on my birthday in October. It possible she called me at home while I was on this computer, but I’m a little bummed out not to have been able to say goodbye. She is just about all the family I have here, and she will be gone ’till mid-January. I’m just a tad lonely here, and your company would certainly be appreciated, however briefly. It would be nice to share a cup of coffee with you before I head off to the frozen wastes of Iowa on the 26th. If you trust me to make a good one, I can do that, or get you a fancy one across the street at the Flying Star. I made some beer too, if you’d be willing to taste it. Anyway, I hope it doesn’t cross the boundaries to ask, but I am just feeling pretty down here. I know that’s not much of an enticement. Who would want to be around someone who is depressed during the holiday? Well, I would certainly feel a lot better if you could stop by. You’re always such a pleasure to talk and listen to. I’m going to try and get a fire going tonight. It’s an old tradition on Solstice, or Yule, to keep a fire burning all night. I hope the wood is dry enough. If I don’t see you, then have a happy holiday. I wish you and your family much happiness, and I really do hope your New Year is going to be great! I’m looking forward to seeing how the tattoo comes out!<<<
No response from her, and I gave her my phone number in the email too. Oddly enough, after I wrote this to her, I felt better. There was almost a sense of relief. I think it helps most to talk in person, but just being able to tell a real person, that I know, how lousy I felt, made a world of difference in my mood. I write things like this in this blog, but it is not as helpful as telling someone I know. Of course, she didn’t reply. I’ve pushed against that boundary again. I just felt so bad, and writing to her made me feel so much better. Very selfish of me, and very short-sighted. I may never see her again. She told me that she didn’t like it when I said such things, but seems to have forgiven me. If I don’t stop doing things like this, she is going to lose her patience with me. Can’t say I’d blame her at all. She told me about her bad experience with an older man, and how (with a shudder) she couldn’t date someone old enough to be her father. That should have been enough for me. Why do I still have feelings for her? I must simply have gone off the deep end here.
I can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy anymore. I suppose that’s why I think a candidate for President who wants to bring all the troops home now, and close US military bases in Iraq, has a chance of winning the nomination of the Democratic Party. The same Party of fools and cowards who have let this regime do what ever it wants. I’m off to Iowa for the Presidential circus there in two days. I hope the roads are decent. If not, well, so what?