December 17, 2007
So hard to let these feelings for Karen go. I know the whole idea of me and her is stupid. She makes that clear. She’s not about to have a relationship with some pervert old enough to be her father. Saw her today, by accident. I was coming up from the basement, saw her waiting by the cashier’s window a couple yards away. I stopped, involuntarily, wanted to say hi, but she wasn’t looking my way. She turned her head slightly as I moved into her peripheral vision, but didn’t look my way. I decided not to bother her. She usually hurries by if I run into her, or seems almost embarrassed to be talking to me in front of other people. I must have my silly grin on then. I can’t remember when I was so happy to see anyone except her. I’ve accepted the futility of my love for her. I’m trying to be the mature, responsible adult, but I wish I could find the magic that would make me younger, or throw me into her future – something, anything. Why does there have to be such a gap in our ages? Why can’t I just forget these feelings? Ah, well. I don’t know why, but we still have lunch. I only have that one hour a week with her, as a friend. I’ll miss her over the Xmas break. I always do. Almost two weeks off while the University shuts down. I’m half expecting that she’ll cancel going to lunch this Friday. She’ll probably get off early, or have something to do. No big deal to her. It’s always been a big deal to me, but, now I understand better. I have no hopes of trying to see her over the break, to see a movie, have dinner, talk to her.
I think one of my commentators was probably correct. Who knows if I even have feelings for her at all? I thought I did. I am always so happy to see her, to think about her, to dream about her, but perhaps it is all an illusion. Perhaps I am only wanting such happiness, and got fixated on Karen. A relationship has to be two-way. She is nice to me. She smiles at me. I can’t imagine what she would think if I told her all the things I’ve thought and felt about her.
My paranoid insanity tries to take hold of me again. I imagine that Karen saw me today, and I offended her by not stopping to say hello. Perhaps she thinks I didn’t want to see her? Hah! Not likely that I’d miss any chance to see her, but then again, I did it today. How can I be this sad again, when I’ve finally accepted my lot in life? No Karen for me. Can I do this again? I didn’t expect to fall in love with her. I had no reason to. I see no reason to fall in love again. I suppose that means it could happen anyway. I don’t know why I would want to. Seems silly now. How many times can I fall in love, if love it be at all? Sure feels good, good enough to tell anyone who doesn’t like it to go to hell. Love and depression – what a wonderful cycle of emotions I’ve picked for myself! I feel, therefore I live? I live, therefore I feel? No wonder people kill themselves over love. So much to do yet, so much to see, to experience, to do, to be. Do Be Do Be Do. Strangers in the night –
Something in your eyes was so inviting,
Something in you smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart,
Told me I must have you.
What were the chances….
No chance at all.