June 15, 2007
Is it? That’s what Karen told me today. I don’t know what to make of that. Sure, it’s never wise to date co-workers. Usually leads to trouble. We don’t work together though, not even in the same department or building anymore. It would be rare to run into each other, but I suppose the idea still holds. I think Karen just likes to have set relationships. I suppose if I hadn’t been married, and we hadn’t met each other at work, another relationship might have been possible? Ah, well.
I’ve been looking for a place to live. In my mind I want it to be something Karen would like. She needs a place too, so I’ve fantasized about having a place big enough to offer to share, but the reality, to her, would be ludicrous. Anyway, she already has a possible roommate for when she gets her own place, and like she said, “It’s important to have boundaries.” Maybe. Certainly made me happy to think about even just sharing a place with her.
The Silver Surfer movie comes out tonight, and Karen is looking forward to seeing it, but, unfortunately, not with me. I had to ask, even knowing the answer; that’s how I found out about boundaries. “It would be like a date,” she said. “What’s wrong with that?” I asked. Boundaries. It’s not clear to me why there have to be boundaries. However, that’s her choice.
The dragon causes pain and sadness enough. She keeps twisting the knife in deeper, any chance she can.
She called me at work to make sure I was looking for a place to move to. She wants “her” house, and she wants it without me in it. It’s funny that her initial proposal was that we could stay married if I signed the quit claim, but she dropped the whole idea, and can’t wait to throw me out, and she makes it sound like it’s my idea to leave! I was willing to work on it, to try and stay together, but I find myself more at peace with the idea of being away from someone like that: so negative, so angry, so depressing to be around. I’ve already cut out drinking like she does, so I feel healthier and more alert these days. I probably hurt my liver, and who knows what else, by trying to match her drink for drink for so many years. Of course, she’s borderline diabetic, with high cholesterol and a family history of alcoholism,
diabetes and liver problems, so perhaps I’m better off not having to deal with the pain of her early death.
This way, I’ll be more removed, perhaps not even know when she dies. I don’t know how people stop loving anyone; I never do. Perhaps the intensity varies, but when you love someone deeply, like I have: lovers, my brothers and sisters, my step daughter, friends, and spouses, I can never forget that love. Love, freely given without expectations, is for life, and knows no boundaries.