The Wind Blows Through My Head; Make it Stop!


June 02, 2007

doubledoor.jpg The wind howls through double glass doors in this research building at night. The center posts of the doors between two of the buildings were removed, and somehow, in this environmentally controlled building, air is pushed through these narrow openings, howling like wind carving rock, titanscarvedbyhowlingwinds.jpg especially at night. It’s especially loud at night. The buildings are empty. No cleaning crews on a Saturday night. Most researchers are home, or on the town. There is no security guard around, just locked doors and windows that can’t be opened. It is peaceful here, peaceful like death must seem to those who quickly approach it. That sucks. This is quite a downer of a posting. So many things have happened. Horrific, and utterly unfounded accusations. Angry words and threats. Not much to go home to anymore. dragon1.jpg

The dragon waits there, with teeth to bite my head off. A bitter, angry, aging dragon, committed to having her house over a home. Defensive, illogical, entrenched. An intractable ultimatum. I have done nothing wrong, but fail to be ‘in love’ for a few months. I still cared, and now, is the love I feel just regret? The unrequited love of a lover spurned? Refrigerators hum around me. Two of them maintain a temperature of negative 80 degrees centigrade, or 176 Fahrenheit degrees below zero. Multiple compressors keep them that cold, to keep enzymes and cells and tissue in relative stasis. ultra-low-freezer.jpg That would be an interesting way to die.

I told my 23-year-old step-daughter about the problems between me and her mom, and true to her nature, she told her mom that I still loved her. I hadn’t wanted her to say anything. I had simply asked her to let me know that she and her mom, driving to California, arrived safely so I wouldn’t worry. Her mom, the dragon, was not speaking to me, and would have refused my call, I think, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to call me. My step-daughter’s cell phone is suddenly “no longer in service.” Years of watching her grow up, two years of hell while her brain tumor brain_adult.gif was removed, her body pumped full of chemicals, irradiated, gammaknifepatientsmall.jpeg and irradiated again. brstpic.jpg She’s alive and healthy, and the joy of that overwhelms everything else. I don’t know what her mom has said to her. It’s a very odd coincidence that her long-time cell phone number has been changed, cellphone.gif the very phone she used to tell me that they were safe and OK on the highway. I had offered to drive, but was angrily refused, and berated and dismissed by my wife of ten years. Somehow it is my fault that they did not take a better car. dsc00383th.jpg I’m told they could have died due to bad tires. I did and said nothing to prevent them from taking the other car, but it is my fault they did not. They survived the trip OK, but I am still at fault. Funny, the tires on the other car are not much better anyway.

I said what I did to the dragon out of honesty, but she says I am a liar. I did not miss her for awhile, and when I did, I was told it no longer mattered, and I was a liar anyway. Damn, this post just keeps getting sadder and sadder. I took myself to a movie today; even pirates could not keep my mind off of all this. I have to say all this, even though I omit the details. Logic has no hold over certain events. Logic is good for sanity. I cannot argue with insanity.

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3 Responses to “The Wind Blows Through My Head; Make it Stop!”

  1. Anna Says:

    Hang in there. Be sure to keep writing, as I think you will find it therapeutic. Even if I’m the only one reading, and even if I only read once and a while, and even if i only skim and scan when I have a headache — I feel for you. I touch your cheek, and I tell you it will be OK.

  2. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Yes, we may be able to come to an agreement. Her anger is softening a bit, but I’m hanging out at work anyway rather than deal with being ignored, or the terse answers, or anger.

  3. O'Maolchathaigh Says:

    Ha! One month later I was living on my own, with reconciliation out of the question!


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