June 22, 2007
LOST IN THE MIST
I heard a voice from within —
and your mind is lost in the mist.
Poem © Dawn Sartz, used with permission.
June 18, 2007
Waves of sadness wash over me today. Felt pretty good this weekend. Saw the Silver Surfer movie Friday night and enjoyed a complete escape. Home after that to the dragon. Her indifference has thawed and we speak more. Saturday we emptied and cleaned out the pond together. I asked her what would happen if I dumped a bucket of the pond water on her head while she was in there, and she looked at me a moment, then said, “I’d kill you.” We both stayed home, watched a movie: . I sent more emails about houses to rent, scheduled a viewing for Sunday.
Sunday morning the dragon left for the flea market with her makeup done and dressed nicely. She looked good. I bought a few things I need to get the outside of the house addition sealed up, and rode all the way across town to look at a house. Got sunburned doing that. The dragon took a message for me about a house. Went to bed early, by myself, as usual.
Monday, today, I felt OK, rode into work, read a couple messages about places to rent. Made an appointment to see one after work. This is a good house in a nice green area, roomy with everything I need and they take pets. Rent is a little high, but most utilities are included in the rent. Should call about seeing another in the same area and kill two with one ride. It’s hot out there. Went to lunch, but could hardly walk. Felt this tsunami of sadness wash over me. Can hardly keep my head up. It takes an effort to make eye contact. Dropped off some books at the PO. Walked out of there into more sadness. Popped into a campus Starbucks for an Americano. Walked back to work drooping. Finding a place that is available, fits all my criteria and is a sort of affordable means this is it – time to go. That makes me happy at times, accompanied by a sense of great relief, of freedom. And then, inexplicably, sad.
WAITING FOR TSUNAMI
Waves of sadness wash over me
unlike the seashore
these waves are random
better waves than nothing
I could do without this
this oppressive tsunami of sad
no one to rescue me now
no one to turn to
just mechanical living
work, eat, read
rent house, pack
wait for the next tsunami. © 2007, 08, 09 , 10 O’Maolchathaigh
June 15, 2007
Is it? That’s what Karen told me today. I don’t know what to make of that. Sure, it’s never wise to date co-workers. Usually leads to trouble. We don’t work together though, not even in the same department or building anymore. It would be rare to run into each other, but I suppose the idea still holds. I think Karen just likes to have set relationships. I suppose if I hadn’t been married, and we hadn’t met each other at work, another relationship might have been possible? Ah, well.
I’ve been looking for a place to live. In my mind I want it to be something Karen would like. She needs a place too, so I’ve fantasized about having a place big enough to offer to share, but the reality, to her, would be ludicrous. Anyway, she already has a possible roommate for when she gets her own place, and like she said, “It’s important to have boundaries.” Maybe. Certainly made me happy to think about even just sharing a place with her.
The Silver Surfer movie comes out tonight, and Karen is looking forward to seeing it, but, unfortunately, not with me. I had to ask, even knowing the answer; that’s how I found out about boundaries. “It would be like a date,” she said. “What’s wrong with that?” I asked. Boundaries. It’s not clear to me why there have to be boundaries. However, that’s her choice.
The dragon causes pain and sadness enough. She keeps twisting the knife in deeper, any chance she can.
She called me at work to make sure I was looking for a place to move to. She wants “her” house, and she wants it without me in it. It’s funny that her initial proposal was that we could stay married if I signed the quit claim, but she dropped the whole idea, and can’t wait to throw me out, and she makes it sound like it’s my idea to leave! I was willing to work on it, to try and stay together, but I find myself more at peace with the idea of being away from someone like that: so negative, so angry, so depressing to be around. I’ve already cut out drinking like she does, so I feel healthier and more alert these days. I probably hurt my liver, and who knows what else, by trying to match her drink for drink for so many years. Of course, she’s borderline diabetic, with high cholesterol and a family history of alcoholism,
diabetes and liver problems, so perhaps I’m better off not having to deal with the pain of her early death.
This way, I’ll be more removed, perhaps not even know when she dies. I don’t know how people stop loving anyone; I never do. Perhaps the intensity varies, but when you love someone deeply, like I have: lovers, my brothers and sisters, my step daughter, friends, and spouses, I can never forget that love. Love, freely given without expectations, is for life, and knows no boundaries.
June 8, 2007 (part 4)
I’m ready to face the weekend now, to face the dragon again. “Here be Dragons” the ancients used to write on their maps, indicating the unknown at the edge of the map. This, however, is a dragon I know, and loved, and kissed, and licked and fucked. She’s more like a succubus. Wikipedia has this to say:
“Succubi … are almost universally depicted as alluring women … often with demonic bat-like wings; occasionally, they will be given other demonic features (horns, a tail with a spaded tip, snakelike eyes, hooves, fangs, etc). Occasionally they appear simply as an attractive woman in dreams that the victim cannot seem to get off their mind. They lure males even out of the dream and will not leave his mind. A succubis will remain there slowly draining energy from a man.
A Middle Eastern version of the succubus known as “um al duwayce” ( أٌم الدويس ) portrays this succubus as a beautiful, alluringly scented woman who wanders the desert on the hooves of a donkey. While other forms of the succubus participate in sexual intercourse to collect semen and become impregnated, this particular succubus is instead a judge of character and exacts revenge on those who commit adultery. She attempts to lure these men to have intercourse with her, at which time sharp razors within her vagina slice off the partner’s penis, leaving him in agonizing pain. Having rendered the man helpless, she turns into her true form and proceeds to eat him alive.”
The dragon is prepared to eat me alive. She is insatiable in her appetite for the house, for money, for my soul. She’s taken, and taken, and taken. Her wish seems to be to destroy me utterly for even contemplating escape. The funny thing is, I wasn’t ever going to leave. In my dreams I’d leave to be with Karen, but Karen is not interested in me anyway, and never will be, so I’d likely never make the break. This unrequited love stuff sure fucks with one’s head.
June 08, 2007 (part 3)
She’s beautiful and sexy, and I enjoy the little time we hang out at lunch. She seems like family to me now. I’m still in love with her, but that is nicely repressed now. She brought back a book I’d lent her, and thanked me for it, as she did enjoy it. The story of the dead grandmother who possesses her grandson in order to enjoy her favorite shows gave her pleasure. Karen is particularly fond of ghosts and demons and Halloween and the undead. She’s seems a bit goth, but she says she’s not, and “Why do people always assume I am?” We talked about InuYasha of course, as I’m still watching her CDs of the TV series, and she is currently reading the manga. She recently bought the English-subtitled DVD of Macross, the intergalactic war story. It is the same show whose music I was listening to yesterday that made me sad. Karen said she understood why, except she really doesn’t. It is basically an animated Japanese soap opera, only that it takes place in space. It is full of love: unrequited love, love triangles, and true love. It made me sad because it made me think about Karen. I told her about the deteriorating condition of my marriage but she always seems uncomfortable with that. I finally asked her if she is uncomfortable talking about personal issues, and she said she is. I always noticed it, but somehow I thought friends talked that way sometimes. She is really happiest talking about Macross, or InuYasha, or other anime and manga. Nothing personal or intimate. It’s an odd relationship, but I enjoy Karen’s company a lot. It’s odd how comfortable I am with her now. She seems like an old friend, and yet, at any moment I’m ready for anything. She has an active life now, out with friends or family most weekends, so much so that she loses time for working on her Halloween props; her mummy and skeletons, coffins, and tombstones, and all things creepy, dead and Halloweeny. I’ve never known anyone quite like her.