May 05, 2007
There was something Karen said. We were talking about cats, how they ignore you, but when you ignore them they come over and rub against you. True enough that cats are contrary. Their behavior can be transparent. It does, however, sometimes apply to humans. I was thinking about the dragon, and how, all these years, she has been acting like one of those standoffish cats. Pushing me away; not responding to my kisses, to sex, to embraces. Being a cold fish. And me? I kept trying to please her, and trying harder and harder, and still feeling like I loved her, even if she couldn’t love me. And she just gets worse and worse. I found out that I was able to find other women attractive again; that I was sexually interested in other women. That would be dishonest. I finally decide I can do it anyway. But I don’t. I become interested in a woman I can’t have. Karen has made it clear I’m barking up the wrong tree there. I latch onto every thing she says, looking for clues, hoping she could feel the same way. Classic unrequited love. It’s harder and harder to maintain the fantasy. The dragon’s out of town. I’m looking for my cat for some physical contact. In my false bravado, I said I would rather live alone. I am beginning to believe it’s not true. No Karen. No Dragon. No cats. I don’t like it much. This is all fascinating. I have no idea where this will go. Further into lunacy? Divorce and living alone? Dating again? I don’t need anyone, but living alone gets old after awhile. I could, of course, maintain an active social life, but I’m too antisocial for that. I prefer a nice quiet life in a dependable relationship. Could be with anyone. That’s what the dragon always says. I tell her I love her; she says I love everyone. I tell her she turns me on, and she replies that any woman turns me on. I could never get her to believe anything I said and now I find myself feeling the way she always told me I was. I don’t care for her anymore. Karen doesn’t care for me. The dragon is acting like she cares about me all of a sudden. She’s not mad, not ignoring me. She makes one of my favorite foods, spaghetti carbonara, then bakes a cake too, just before leaving town for Florida. She’s like the cats when you ignore them, but it’s too late. I ignore her now because I don’t care that much anymore. It’s feels too late, just too fucking late. But my step-daughter says she wouldn’t like to see me and her mom break up, and I do care about my step-daughter dearly. This has become a no-win situation.