April 24, 2007 (part 2)
Karen told me about the break-up of X-men characters Cyclops and Jean Grey; how Cyclops was having a telepathic affair with someone, and that’s what helped break up his marriage! She, being a telepath herself, found out! Holy crap! I asked her how that could be an affair when there’s no physical contact involved? Karen assured me it was. I mean, it was all in their minds, right? I wonder if Karen noticed how shocked I was? I even said that people often fantasize, and that hardly seems like cheating. She said it was. My suspicions that she is reading this blog are redoubled now. Maybe not. Karen thought the X-Men character was a jerk when he took up with his psychic lover after his wife died, and since she sees fantasy the same way, then she wouldn’t have wanted to have lunch with me today, would she? Probably not. I get the feeling Karen is very moralistic in her own way. There’s no religion involved here, but I think she is a big believer in marriage, or monogamous relationships, with no exceptions. I suspected that’s why we had to be just friends. She has to know I want to think about her as more than that, doesn’t she? I am careful what I say, but I’ve never been any good at keeping my emotions out of my face. Perhaps, as I suspected, she is going to tell me one day that she can’t be my friend anymore, because it’s not right to be friends with a married man who thinks about her the way I do. Yesterday, I thought that I’d be fine with that. Right now, I dread it. I see her hand on the table in front of me and I want to touch it, feel her fingers in mine, walk with her hand in hand. Sigh! I’m just getting crazier and crazier. Her hands move about so much. She gestures when she’s talking, and fiddles with whatever is at hand when she’s not gesturing. A piece of papers gets crumpled and opened, a bottle label gets torn off; the salt & pepper shakers walk around, balancing on top of each other. I want to grab her hand, feel her touch my hand, play with my fingers. All that nervous energy she exhibits! What should I make of it? Is that just the way she is? or just the way she is around me? Is it a form of repressed sexual energy, as some would have it? I do wonder what she is like as a lover, if she has ever been a lover? She has never mentioned anything along those lines, but she is very protective about her personal life, perhaps more so with me than a closer friend. O, that those hands would explore my body!