April 17, 2007
I was awake early today, around 4 AM. I have to get up between 6 and 6:30, so I tried to get back to sleep and couldn’t. My wife was snoring loudly, but I think it was the caffeine I’d consumed that had come back to bite me. Never got back to sleep. One of my cats came and got me to let it out after 6, so I decided to get up. I started thinking about Karen, of course, but usually when I’m in the shower I focus on washing. It’s a nice form of meditation, helps relax my mind for the day. However, Karen popped into my mind. I remember her talking about colors. She likes green and blue, as do I. Many of my clothes are either green, blue or black. She has black outfits herself, sometimes dressing all in black. She also said she would like to get a blue or green stone ring. She saw some nice rings like that in store 50 miles from here, but I don’t know which one. I immediately thought that I’d love to buy her one of those rings. Too bad we don’t ever go someplace where she could show me a ring she liked and I could buy it for her. I did buy her a nice stained-glass dragon she admired. I thought about that conversation about the rings while I was standing under the cascade of hot steaming water. I went through the motions of cleaning, but I was thinking again about having a ring made for Karen. I have blue and green stones. I went into a daydream where I was giving a ring to Karen, putting it on her finger, and she presented me her ring finger. Suddenly I had an erection. I hadn’t been thinking of her beauty or sexuality or her physical appearance at all. Just the act of bonding with her, as one does with engagements, got me turned on! Amazing. I never would have thought I could come to such heights of feeling for someone. I love the idea of having love and sex and friendship and intellect and life and children and everything all combined into a relationship. Too bad I’ve come to feel this way late in life, concerning a woman I cannot have anyway. Such is life after all. Perhaps, as we enter old age, our entire enjoyment of life is in the mind. In that case, I love you Karen. I’m enjoying the life with you that I’ve created in my mind. It’s exciting and sensual and happy.