April 16, 2007
Friday came and went. Heard from Karen; she forwarded that funny cartoon to me. I wrote back, thanked her for it (it is damn funny), and asked her 1.) if she could meet for lunch, and 2.) if she got the email I sent to her hotmail account with a link to the Sci Fi blog.
No response. Sigh. Then, the dragon calls, wants to meet me for lunch. I had to tell her I was busy, and indeed, I had plenty to do. I’ve already decided who is more important to me, and it’s Karen. So, I waited to eat until about 1:25. No word from Karen. Went to the cafeteria where we usually eat, and, yes! there she was, reading a book (it was cold outside). I walked by her and said Hi. She smiled when she saw me (that made my heart skip a beat) and I said I missed her, meaning I didn’t get an email or anything that she was going to lunch. She said she was really busy, due to the grant paperwork her office was in the middle of, that she had just gotten time for a break, and had eaten at her office. Well, that’s fine. I got my meal (to go) and stopped by on my way back. Asked her what she was reading. She showed me, but didn’t say anything about it, so I just said I’ll see her, (she was already turning back to her book) and waved bye.
I’m such a lame-assed fool. I guess I was cool enough. If all she wants is my friendship, she’s got it. I’m still in love with her, not in love with my wife; I like Karen, don’t like my wife.
Still trying to finish work on the house. So much left to do. And I’ve got a union contract to negotiate starting tomorrow, and an economic analysis of the services I provide at work so I can present that to the bean counters before the end of the month. At least I got my taxes done. I’m so predictable, reliable, unimaginative. Hell, I sound like one of the guys they always talk about on the news or TV shows: “He was quiet, nice, never caused any trouble.” But he committed some major crime or crimes. All I want is a little happiness. I’m ready for some happiness, but I seem to pick the wrong women.
I’m ready to live alone, but I’d rather be with Karen. I’d rather be happy really. Should I just trust that I am going to find someone like Karen some day? Or keep this fantasy of an unrequited love going?