April 16, 2007 (part 2)
1.) Is this just all too common, and therefore boring?
2.) Am I just really boring period?
3.) Do I seem to be a pervert?
4.) Do I seem too passive in this affair of the heart?
5.) Is there anything in this tale of love, such as it is, that appeals to anyone?
I’ll happily keep plugging away at this, but I don’t know if I’ll have any epiphanies or other inspirations through it. Don’t know if anything will change. The marriage is certainly cracking up. I’m OK with that. Oddly enough, I’m OK with living on my own. There’s just something odd about my behavior, and I thought by now someone would have told me that, at least. Ah, well. No news about “her” to report. Going back in time, I remember her saying she’d been with or dated an older man before – that gave me hope initially that she found me attractive. Kind of a stretch perhaps, but why did she say it?
Why walk with me to lunch every Friday, for two years, even waiting for me without contacting each other? Even when she was not working, she’d come in just to have lunch with me. Somehow, I took that to mean something, but perhaps I’m just too old to accept close friendships with women as normal, and not be turned on? I don’t know. The more I saw her, listened to her, the more I wanted to be with her. One hour a week is all I could have, no back and forth emails, phone calls, or lunch on another day. No desire on her part to meet over the Xmas break either. I don’t know why I should have let myself fall for her. Can’t figure it out. Sexual attractions can do that, but, is there more to it? or just a strange perverted need within me to care for someone that likes me, that cares for me?