March 31, 2007
Well, Karen may be busy, but she did read the emails I’ve sent, even if she doesn’t feel the need to respond. I dreamed that I saw her and took her hand and she kissed me, which is much more realistic than the dream of wild sexual abandon and fathering two kids. Of course, all my fantasies are doomed to be just that: fantasies. And that realization has slowed me down, but not stopped me. It is amazing to me how much I enjoy fantasizing about Karen.
– Such a big age difference.
– Her unwillingness to get involved with married men, which is, of course, very sensible.
– But Omygod do I like to imagine my arms around her.
What’s funny is that I think I am going to get divorced. Karen would not ask, would not encourage such a thing. If, if, if she was interested in the first place. Clearly I’ve reached a point where I am not in love with the dragon, not tied to her anymore, no longer feeling monogamous. I used to think that if the relationship with Karen started to go anywhere, then I’d get divorced in a second. I don’t think it matters anymore. I would prefer living alone to this relationship I’m in. It’s just not a very happy life. Karen told me once that no one should stay in a loveless marriage. Not entirely loveless, but: no affection, scheduled sex, passionless sex, passionless kisses, if at all. There’s love in there somewhere, but is it enough? I still have to finish building the addition – so much work to do: finish the roof, finish the outside, paint the outside and trim – not just the addition, but the entire house, finish the addition’s interior: electrical, drywall, painting. Then what? Just leave? With all that work and money invested? On the subject of compensation should we split up, The Dragon says, yes, I’ve contributed. Contributed? I pay the entire house payment, and have for years. I’ve replaced windows, screens, a glass door, a toilet, two sinks, the refrigerator, a stove and the water heater. I’ve sunk a lot into the house, and she’s put a lot of years of living and some money into it. She is not going to leave. She already told me once that it would be easy for me to leave, to start over. After all, I can make more money. She’s out of work now; how would she get enough money to pay me back? She says, “Don’t worry about it.” All one of us has to say now is, “I want a divorce,” and it’s all over. Karen knows none of this; she doesn’t want to get into such personal discussions. I’d love to talk to Karen about this. That’s the typical story, isn’t it? Guy confides his marriage problems to another woman, leaves wife. Karen wouldn’t do it. She is amazingly strong and independent, even though she still lives with her parents. She is working a regular job now, and saving up to get her own place in the near future. She has even started buying things she’ll need. O, that I could be as young chronologically as I feel! Shopping for a place to live with her, shopping for furniture, appliances. Planning our life together. Wow! that is such a pleasant daydream. Gives me a to think about. How is this going to end?