March 27, 2007
What is wrong with me? I know that Karen just wants to be friends, but I keep trying to find a way to have misunderstood her. I gave her a Xmas card for “a good friend”. Perhaps there is more to her feelings for me, but I put her off by acknowledging us only as friends? Ha! I know it’s not so; we can only be friends, and that will probably end soon enough. I have never had many friends; never wanted lots of friends. I call Mark my friend, although we don’t hang out much anymore. Other than that, I used to consider my ex-girlfriend from many long years ago a friend, but not anymore. Karen would be my best friend in that case. We’re not really all that close. The whole relationship exists in my head only. She has friends, male and female, and I’m lucky enough to be one. Hard to separate the boundaries of friendship from my feelings for her. People used to openly admit feelings for their friends. All that is forbidden me here, and rightfully so; I’m sure Karen doesn’t want to encourage me! If only I could accept just being her friend. The fantasy is so enjoyable! Perhaps all it means is that I’m ready to move on, to love someone other than my wife. Karen has so much to offer me, and I’ve little in the way of what she needs to offer her, like youth, for example. Oh man, the idea of having a child with her thrills me, sends me into an ecstasy of fantasy. Damn good thing I enjoy this fantasy, ’cause it ain’t ever gonna happen. Could happen with someone else, but I’d have to be single again, meeting lots of women. How would I ever meet such a woman as Karen? There are lots of pretty women, even smart ones like Karen. But young enough to still want to start a family? Who loves children as I do? Someone fascinated by science fiction and anime? Someone who knows the difference between a comic book and a graphic novel? Who likes the X-men, Peter Parker, Marvel comics, dark otherworldly stories? Someone who may be as deep and introverted as me? Who is also politically astute? Karen is amazing. Give me three wishes and they would all have to do with Karen.