March 22, 2007 (part 2)
Sent Karen an interesting link to a blog today: http://sanityforsale.wordpress.com/2007/03/18/blackwater-bushs-shadow-army/ and sent her a picture of my bother with his new bride. She opened it quickly. A little bit later I got an email from her. No mention of the blog or picture; just that she won’t be able to meet me tomorrow; she has work obligations. Doom. I have been convincing myself for the last two weeks that I wasn’t in love with her, that I could live without her, that I wasn’t even attracted to her sexually anymore. Not true. My neurosis is that I feel rejected; feel like Karen is finally going to put me aside for her younger friends. Perhaps she’s interested in someone? Perhaps she has another lunch date? Ah, well. Sad. If only she knew. God, if she knew all this she’d file a restraining order. Hell, yes, I want to feel that woman’s body pressed against me. Hell, yes, I want to kiss her, taste her body, taste her cunt. I want to slide into her with my arms around her and make love until I explode in a mad burst of passion and mindlessness. Love that woman. Perhaps I should say ‘in love’? How can I love someone I see but one hour a week? We’ve never really dated, seen a movie, traveled anywhere together, kissed, held hands, discussed things in any deep and meaningful way. In lust? At first. But I miss her every day I don’t see her, want her every time I do see her. I enjoy being with her, thinking about her, dreaming about her. I see other women around and I think about how they look like Karen. Who was I kidding? I’m still in love with this woman Karen. She told me about Max and Miriya in the Japanese anime series; how Max thought he was in love with someone, but really there was someone else he really loved. Karen said she just wanted to slap him sometimes, because he was so dense. She mentioned someone else who was married in the series, but having an affair. His lover asked him to leave his wife, but he refused. In my imagination, Karen was telling me something. IF only she would ask me that! Could be a done deal. This marriage is so bad now; the dragon blows up at the slightest thing. I’ve lost my temper again. She is so irritating. I shouldn’t put up with her; shouldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t kiss me; hold me, or want me. I think she only has sex with me (on her schedule) so I won’t have an excuse to divorce her for loss of affection. God, she’s the most unaffectionate person I’ve ever known my whole life! That’s the thing – how do I even know Karen would be any different? She certainly knows I have some feeling for her. If she had any for me, she’d have shown it by now. Friends. We’re friends. The kiss of relationship death for lovers, marriages. We’ll always be friends people say, and it’s never true. I want to get my motorcycle up past 145mph and see how far I can fly. I need more out of life than this, or none at all.