March 06, 2007 – 1st post, it begins.
I am in love with this woman Karen. It is not reciprocal. That doesn’t stop me from feeling high whenever I see her, a picture of her, or think about her. I think about her often. According to Wikipedia’s entry on unrequited love,
“Falling in love produces a very different hormonal and psychological state than that of an established, mature love, even when such an older love is very happy and fulfilling. Many people crave this feeling so badly that they repeatedly look for new objects of infatuation and even break off old relations when this causes them great emotional trauma (often repressed). Many accidentally discover the much less traumatic ways of attaining the high they crave by flirting or by looking for an unattainable object of love. Especially poets and other artists often do this deliberately — in fact, many are not able to be productive otherwise — and they often know that this way of loving and living was much more common in past centuries. For probably most people, however, being in unrequited love is a tortuous experience. For them too, however, it can simultaneously be a source of great joy, sometimes providing the lover a sense of fulfillment for having somebody to love, even though that love is not returned. The lover may feel this satisfaction is worth the emotional distress they must suffer. They may prefer to stay in love rather than move on. However, for the majority it can be a very frustrating and upsetting situation to be in. Unrequited love has also been the inspiration for and topic of many great works of art. Such works have brought hope and inspiration to the lovelorn and romantically inclined for centuries. There has been some movement towards treating prolonged unrequited love as a kind of mental illness, an illness that has led some people to commit suicide.”
I see Karen every Friday. We have lunch. That’s all there is. We share a love of cats, children, liberal politics, and fiction, especially Sci Fi and Anime, and the works of a particular writer. She suspects my feelings for her. Once, when I was sitting as she was leaving, she bent over to hug me, as was her habit, and I pulled her to me, meaning to kiss her neck. She pulled away and the hugs are gone. She knows. I sure she doesn’t know that I dream of her, fantasize and desire her all the time. What started as a sexual attraction became a desire to be with her, to watch movies together, cuddling on a couch or bed. Touching, kissing, holding her body in my arms. I have imagined exploring her delicate body. She looks younger than she is because of her small size, but I am not bothered by that. I’m sure she is bothered by the difference in our ages, but she says she has dated older men before. I would have been bothered by our age difference before, but I do not care what anyone thinks anymore. What she has also said is, “You’re married,” which sums it all up for her. One does not go out with married men, one does not try to take one woman’s man away from her. “What if I were single,” I ask her. She does not reply. She does not reply to anything I say that I should not say. She does not answer my emails at all. We’re friends, and all else is taboo. Does she know, or care, that I would marry her, have children with her? I love hearing her speak of her baby niece. Her niece likes Karen, and Karen enjoys her company, enjoys making her smile, reading to her. I grew up with six brothers and sisters, reading to them, playing games with them, babysitting, changing, bathing and comforting them. I know about children, and I would give anything do anything sacrifice anything to have a child with Karen. I told her I was attracted to her, even though I had not been attracted sexually to any woman since I met The Dragon. It’s true, but I’m sure she doesn’t believe that; who would?
I married the dragon because, for the first time ever, she was the only woman I wanted, the only woman who inspired passion in me, and that continued for many, many years. Not long before I met Karen, my wife had lost all desire for sex, and although never being a very affectionate person, she became even less so. Kisses are perfunctory, and I must initiate not only those but sex itself. Attempts to kiss her passionately are refused. She will cuddle in bed, her back to me. Touching her body is only OK if we are having or just had sex. Oh, yes, we have sex. It is a thing of passion for me, the only time I can explore her body with hand and mouth and tongue, but she does not respond. She allows sex only on certain weekend days, and only once. She says she likes sex still, but would prefer perhaps monthly or less. What started as several times a week, and several times on those days, is now perhaps once a week, and moving to less and less. I don’t even know how I maintain my passion. She says dating sex is different. She didn’t know how long it would last, so sex then was part of our every night together. Sex is not everything. But the dragon’s voice is usually full of recrimination, anger, antipathy. She frequently drinks to be happy. She is nicest when she’s drinking, but sometimes, even then, loud and hostile. She rarely smiles, or rarely smiles when she is with me.
How much I enjoy Karen’s smile! Seeing her laugh is a great joy! But I am an older and foolish man. “And married,” I sure she would say, if she were to respond to things I say that are outside the boundaries. Why can’t a man have more than one love? At first I wanted to have both women in my life. It is difficult to stop loving someone. I will always love the dragon, but I crave passion and joy so much. If only I could choose! The choice would be easy now. I would choose Karen. She will not choose me. And yet, I persist in this love of her, and my fantasies do not abate. Perhaps it is the only way I can be happy.