My Mind Goes Misty

June 22, 2007

LOST IN THE MIST

I heard a voice from within –
Your heart is in the corner crying

and your mind is lost in the mist.

Poem © Dawn Sartz, used with permission.

Waiting for Tsunami

June 18, 2007

Waves of sadness wash over me today. Felt pretty good this weekend. Saw the Silver Surfer movie Friday night and enjoyed a complete escape. Home after that to the dragon. Her indifference has thawed and we speak more. Saturday we emptied and cleaned out the pond together. I asked her what would happen if I dumped a bucket of the pond water on her head while she was in there, and she looked at me a moment, then said, “I’d kill you.” We both stayed home, watched a movie: .  I sent more emails about houses to rent, scheduled a viewing for Sunday.

Sunday morning the dragon left for the flea market with her makeup done and dressed nicely. She looked good. I bought a few things I need to get the outside of the house addition sealed up, and rode all the way across town to look at a house. Got sunburned doing that. The dragon took a message for me about a house. Went to bed early, by myself, as usual.

Monday, today, I felt OK, rode into work, read a couple messages about places to rent. Made an appointment to see one after work. This is a good house in a nice green area, roomy with everything I need and they take pets. Rent is a little high, but most utilities are included in the rent. Should call about seeing another in the same area and kill two with one ride. It’s hot out there. Went to lunch, but could hardly walk. Felt this tsunami of sadness wash over me. Can hardly keep my head up. It takes an effort to make eye contact. Dropped off some books at the PO. Walked out of there into more sadness. Popped into a campus Starbucks for an Americano. Walked back to work drooping. Finding a place that is available, fits all my criteria and is a sort of affordable means this is it – time to go. That makes me happy at times, accompanied by a sense of great relief, of freedom. And then, inexplicably, sad.

Waves of sadness wash over me

unlike the seashore

these waves are random

better waves than nothing

I could do without this

this oppressive tsunami of sad

no one to rescue me now

no one to turn to

just mechanical living

work, eat, read

rent house, pack

unpack organize

wait for the next tsunami. © 2007, 08, 09 , 10  O’Maolchathaigh

It’s Important To Set Boundaries?

June 15, 2007

Is it? That’s what Karen told me today. I don’t know what to make of that. Sure, it’s never wise to date co-workers. Usually leads to trouble. We don’t work together though, not even in the same department or building anymore. It would be rare to run into each other, but I suppose the idea still holds. I think Karen just likes to have set relationships. I suppose if I hadn’t been married, and we hadn’t met each other at work, another relationship might have been possible? Ah, well.

I’ve been looking for a place to live. In my mind I want it to be something Karen would like. She needs a place too, so I’ve fantasized about having a place big enough to offer to share, but the reality, to her, would be ludicrous. Anyway, she already has a possible roommate for when she gets her own place, and like she said, “It’s important to have boundaries.” Maybe. Certainly made me happy to think about even just sharing a place with her.

The Silver Surfer movie comes out tonight, and Karen is looking forward to seeing it, but, unfortunately, not with me. I had to ask, even knowing the answer; that’s how I found out about boundaries. “It would be like a date,” she said. “What’s wrong with that?” I asked. Boundaries. It’s not clear to me why there have to be boundaries. However, that’s her choice.

It doesn’t even make me sad anymore, just wistful.

(The-Raven-and-the-Cat)

The dragon causes pain and sadness enough. She keeps twisting the knife in deeper,  any chance she can.

She called me at work to make sure I was looking for a place to move to. She wants “her” house, and she wants it without me in it. It’s funny that her initial proposal was that we could stay married if I signed the quit claim, but she dropped the whole idea, and can’t wait to throw me out, and she makes it sound like it’s my idea to leave! I was willing to work on it, to try and stay together, but I find myself more at peace with the idea of being away from someone like that: so negative, so angry, so depressing to be around. I’ve already cut out drinking like she does, so I feel healthier and more alert these days. I probably hurt my liver, and who knows what else, by trying to match her drink for drink for so many years. Of course, she’s borderline diabetic, with high cholesterol and a family history of alcoholism,

diabetes and liver problems, so perhaps I’m better off not having to deal with the pain of her early death.

This way, I’ll be more removed, perhaps not even know when she dies.  I don’t know how people stop loving anyone; I never do. Perhaps the intensity varies, but when you love someone deeply, like I have: lovers, my brothers and sisters, my step daughter, friends, and spouses, I can never forget that love. Love, freely given without expectations, is for life, and knows no boundaries.

THIS UNREQUITED LOVE OF MINE

June 13, 2007

This unrequited love of mine
has no feelings for me
pigeonholed as friend
workplace acquaintance
things in common
yet separate as by a chasm
by age and experience

Beauty and the beast
embarrassment
youth and demon
impossible
we can travel the same path
but never touch never kiss
never cuddle never love

my thoughts dwell on you
my heart cries for you
my arms reach for you
my lips hunger for you
and my body burns
my mind is in turmoil
I live I die yet alive.

© 2007,08, ’09 O’Maolchathaigh

Here Be Dragons, and Succubi

June 8, 2007 (part 4)

I’m ready to face the weekend now, to face the dragon again. “Here be Dragons” the ancients used to write on their maps, indicating the unknown at the edge of the map. This, however, is a dragon I know, and loved, and kissed, and licked and fucked. She’s more like a succubus.  Wikipedia has this to say:

“Succubi … are almost universally depicted as alluring women … often with demonic bat-like wings; occasionally, they will be given other demonic features (horns, a tail with a spaded tip, snakelike eyes, hooves, fangs, etc). Occasionally they appear simply as an attractive woman in dreams that the victim cannot seem to get off their mind. They lure males even out of the dream and will not leave his mind. A succubis will remain there slowly draining energy from a man.
A Middle Eastern version of the succubus known as “um al duwayce” ( أٌم الدويس ) portrays this succubus as a beautiful, alluringly scented woman who wanders the desert on the hooves of a donkey. While other forms of the succubus participate in sexual intercourse to collect semen and become impregnated, this particular succubus is instead a judge of character and exacts revenge on those who commit adultery. She attempts to lure these men to have intercourse with her, at which time sharp razors within her vagina slice off the partner’s penis, leaving him in agonizing pain. Having rendered the man helpless, she turns into her true form and proceeds to eat him alive.”

The dragon is prepared to eat me alive. She is insatiable in her appetite for the house, for money, for my soul. She’s taken, and taken, and taken. Her wish seems to be to destroy me utterly for even contemplating escape.  The funny thing is, I wasn’t ever going to leave.  In my dreams I’d leave to be with Karen, but Karen is not interested in me anyway, and never will be, so I’d likely never make the break.  This unrequited love stuff sure fucks with one’s head.

My friend Karen

June 08, 2007 (part 3)

She’s beautiful and sexy, and I enjoy the little time we hang out at lunch. She seems like family to me now. I’m still in love with her, but that is nicely repressed now. She brought back a book I’d lent her, and thanked me for it, as she did enjoy it. The story of the dead grandmother who possesses her grandson in order to enjoy her favorite shows gave her pleasure. Karen is particularly fond of ghosts and demons and Halloween and the undead. She’s seems a bit goth, but she says she’s not, and “Why do people always assume I am?” We talked about InuYasha of course, as I’m still watching her CDs of the TV series, and she is currently reading the manga. She recently bought the English-subtitled DVD of Macross, the intergalactic war story. It is the same show whose music I was listening to yesterday that made me sad. Karen said she understood why, except she really doesn’t.  It is basically an animated Japanese soap opera, only that it takes place in space. It is full of love: unrequited love, love triangles, and true love. It made me sad because it made me think about Karen.  I told her about the deteriorating condition of my marriage but she always seems uncomfortable with that. I finally asked her if she is uncomfortable talking about personal issues, and she said she is. I always noticed it, but somehow I thought friends talked that way sometimes. She is really happiest talking about Macross, or InuYasha, or other anime and manga. Nothing personal or intimate. It’s an odd relationship, but I enjoy Karen’s company a lot. It’s odd how comfortable I am with her now. She seems like an old friend, and yet, at any moment I’m ready for anything. She has an active life now, out with friends or family most weekends, so much so that she loses time for working on her Halloween props; her mummy and skeletons, coffins, and tombstones, and all things creepy, dead and Halloweeny. I’ve never known anyone quite like her.

See? What I’d say? From down to up!

June 08, 2007 (part 2)

Lunch is on!

Anti-unrequited-love drug

June 08, 2007 (part 1)

No, there’s no such drug, but I found that someone wrote this, hoping for such a drug:

If you’ve ever experienced unrequited love, you will know that it is not a pleasant condition. Obsession, anxiety attacks and distractedness are just some of the effects. It is impossible to reason your way out of it or get out by effort of will, and in some cases the effects can be crippling, as much so as neurochemical depression (or can, indeed, lead to depression). In fact, the phenomenon (known technically as limerence) is believed to be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Apart from being unpleasant to the sufferer, unrequited love undoubtedly is expensive to their co-workers, employers and society in general, through lost productivity and impaired social functioning. As such, were a drug developed that alleviated limerence, as antidepressants do with organic depression, it would have many positive effects.

Given that limerence is a neurochemical phenomenon, a drug that alleviates it should be theoretically feasible. The drug could act by regulating the production of neurotransmitters, stimulating production of transmitters which alter the user’s state sufficiently to alleviate the symptoms of the condition and restore normal cognitive function, or blocking receptors overstimulated as a result of limerence. - (http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Anti-unrequited-love_20drug)

I’m not sure how I feel about such a thing. Would anyone really take it, if there was such a thing? There’s always that tiny spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, the unrequited love might reciprocate. I wonder what it would feel like to take such a drug? People on Prozac and other antidepressants often say they experience apathy, lack of motivation, emotional numbness, feelings of detachment, and indifference to surroundings. While that may seem preferable to feeling like crap, I don’t think I’d like it. I’ve come to enjoy the highs so much that the lows seem like an acceptable price to pay.

DAMN IT – Kanashii!

June 07, 2007 (part 4)

I SAID I’M SAD GOD DAMN IT! IT HURTS! I’M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY

(Graffiti art. Photo by Paul Armstrong, who says he took the photo in Minneapolis, Minnesota at an abandoned wheat grain elevator near the University of Minnesota, and he believes it has since been removed.)

Do You Remember Love?

June 07, 2007 (part 3)

I’m listening to the love songs from Macross, Karen’s songs.  I made her a CD of her favorites, and made myself a copy. I listen to them once in a awhile. I guess I shouldn’t. I feel overwhelming sadness. My chest has tightened. I’m sad and it hurts too. Ah! Damn.

—————————————( Painting is “Sadness Ending, by Rick MacKai – www.goravani.com/art/Sadness.html )

Why did I fall in love with Karen? What the hell is wrong with me?

That’s Done It!

June 07, 2007 (part 2)

I think I finally managed to alienate Karen! I’m standing in line for coffee and didn’t notice her get in line behind me. She couldn’t have missed seeing me there, but said nothing. I was adding half ‘n’ half and raw sugar to my half-caf Americano, when I saw her in the line. She was facing forward and could clearly see me just ten feet away, but wouldn’t turn to look at me or wave or say hi, or anything I would expect from a friend. I stirred my coffee and went over anyway; I couldn’t see noticing someone I know, especially Karen, and not at least saying hello. She turned immediately as I walked her way; I think she knew I was there. No smile. Just a hello. I said hi and I hadn’t seen her behind me, and she just nodded, and looked embarrassed. Embarrassing silence. I didn’t mention the flowers, just asked her about work and if she started her Excel class yet. She said not until July. Looked down again, had nothing to say. I told her it’s a good job she has now, and left her alone. She still looks good in purple. I’m still an idiot.

Well, what else could I expect?

Should I Put It Back?

June 07, 2007 (part 1)

I found love under a rock
took it out and dusted it off
Wore it on my sleeve
It’s faded and worn now
I think I’ll put it back. – © 2007, 08 O’Maolchathaigh

The Dragon Wants It All; Karen Gets Flowers

June 06, 2007

The dragon has changed her mind again. First she said she really thought we should go our separate ways, even without counseling or any attempt at staying together. I felt counseling is called for. Then, she said she wanted a quit-claim signed to give her complete ownership of the house; we could stay married if she had that. If I wanted compensation, then that meant we would divorce; give her a figure. Some choice. I even offered to sign the quit claim, if she signed a statement giving me compensation should we “go our separate ways” in the future. She said, just a few days ago, that that would be fine. OK then. I needed to work on it. However, then she said she thought about it, and every man she ‘s ever been with has tried to get money from her, and she wasn’t going to do it anymore. No counseling, no nothing. She spoke with a lawyer who says, even in a community property state, she should get the house, I get to keep my pension fund, and we’re even. It’s not true, but she believes it. In addition, she wants me to move out, and continue to pay the bills until she finds a job. Sheesh. Sorry, I can’t afford to do that. She thinks I’m made of money. Now she’s accusing me of deliberately taking her name off of an (empty) savings account that was recently integrated into my checking account. Apparently I’ve been hiding money, was ready to leave her, and didn’t want her to have access to our savings? On top of this she’s accusing me of going behind her back to drive a wedge between her and her daughter! She even started to intimate that there was something improper about me talking to my step daughter at all! Especially about our marital problems, but perhaps I shouldn’t have been talking to someone that age anyway (23)! It all smacks of paranoia, -> (Paranoia by Maria Burd)

perhaps worse. Do I need to get away from this woman? Yes! Can I afford to? No. Why the complete lack of trust, accusations of lying, and sneaking around behind her back? Is she crazy? I wonder now. Perhaps the booze has finally begun rotting her brain, or her liver has begun to fail, and it’s affecting her mental state? I don’t know. She refused counseling for us, or for herself, even when she was depressed for three years over her daughter’s brain tumor (tumor is gone, step daughter in perfect health).

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

Karen: .  I need that fantasy more than ever, even though I know it’s hopeless. An organization was selling flowers today to benefit a malaria project that buys netting with the money. I thought about getting some for the dragon, but she already wants nothing more to do with me, so I bought two for Karen. I dropped ‘em off at her desk. She wasn’t around. I sent her an email, and marked it as needing a response, so that she would let me know she got them. Her response? ” I got them. Thanks.” Well, at least she acknowledged that she got them. And she actually said thanks. At this point, that’s way, way more than I could get from the dragon.

LOVE IS A CHAIN HARD TO BREAK

June 04, 2007

Love Is A Chain Hard To Break. (©2008, ’09, ’10 by O’Maolchathaigh)

If I Stop I’ll Go Crazy

June 3, 2007

I had lunch with Karen last Friday. Damn that woman looked good! Sexy legs exposed by a short denim skirt and high heels setting off those tattoos on her ankles. She looked so hot, I nearly jumped out of my skin (in my head). I try to keep this stuff to myself now. She’s never liked it if I said she looks sexy, or beautiful. The skirt was new with a wavy, scalloped edge that I’d not seen before, and I did say it was very nice. I almost couldn’t take my eyes off of her legs! She is hot! If I could sell my soul for her I would. Perhaps I’ve already done that? We seem to talk so easily and comfortably now. I remember when she would talk so fast, it was like she was trying to get it all out at once. I remember doing that myself in the past. It endeared her to me. I felt it meant she really wanted to talk to me, and got a little nervous. Of course, that could be all in my imagination. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the divorce goes through, and I have my own place. Would things change? I tried to think of this fantasy as over, but, well, I guess it’s not. I don’t know how to stop.

I do still have feeling for the dragon after 14 years.

InuYasha the demon has strong feelings for Kikyo, a woman dead 50 years (although reanimated), in the anime stories, and yet he hangs out with the younger Kagome and has feelings for her too.

Karen likes the story a lot.

The Wind Blows Through My Head; Make it Stop!

June 02, 2007

The wind howls through double glass doors in this research building at night. The center posts of the doors between two of the buildings were removed, and somehow, in this environmentally controlled building, air is pushed through these narrow openings, howling like wind carving rock, especially at night. It’s especially loud at night. The buildings are empty. No cleaning crews on a Saturday night. Most researchers are home, or on the town. There is no security guard around, just locked doors and windows that can’t be opened. It is peaceful here, peaceful like death must seem to those who quickly approach it. That sucks. This is quite a downer of a posting. So many things have happened. Horrific, and utterly unfounded accusations. Angry words and threats. Not much to go home to anymore.

The dragon waits there, with teeth to bite my head off. A bitter, angry, aging dragon, committed to having her house over a home. Defensive, illogical, entrenched. An intractable ultimatum. I have done nothing wrong, but fail to be ‘in love’ for a few months. I still cared, and now, is the love I feel just regret? The unrequited love of a lover spurned? Refrigerators hum around me. Two of them maintain a temperature of negative 80 degrees centigrade, or 176 Fahrenheit degrees below zero. Multiple compressors keep them that cold, to keep enzymes and cells and tissue in relative stasis. That would be an interesting way to die.

I told my 23-year-old step-daughter about the problems between me and her mom, and true to her nature, she told her mom that I still loved her. I hadn’t wanted her to say anything. I had simply asked her to let me know that she and her mom, driving to California, arrived safely so I wouldn’t worry. Her mom, the dragon, was not speaking to me, and would have refused my call, I think, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to call me. My step-daughter’s cell phone is suddenly “no longer in service.” Years of watching her grow up, two years of hell while her brain tumor was removed, her body pumped full of chemicals, irradiated, and irradiated again. She’s alive and healthy, and the joy of that overwhelms everything else. I don’t know what her mom has said to her. It’s a very odd coincidence that her long-time cell phone number has been changed, the very phone she used to tell me that they were safe and OK on the highway. I had offered to drive, but was angrily refused, and berated and dismissed by my wife of ten years. Somehow it is my fault that they did not take a better car. I’m told they could have died due to bad tires. I did and said nothing to prevent them from taking the other car, but it is my fault they did not. They survived the trip OK, but I am still at fault. Funny, the tires on the other car are not much better anyway.

I said what I did to the dragon out of honesty, but she says I am a liar. I did not miss her for awhile, and when I did, I was told it no longer mattered, and I was a liar anyway. Damn, this post just keeps getting sadder and sadder. I took myself to a movie today; even pirates could not keep my mind off of all this. I have to say all this, even though I omit the details. Logic has no hold over certain events. Logic is good for sanity. I cannot argue with insanity.